a friend came over this evening who wishes to remain nameless. ok well i don't know that for sure, but it always sounds more, puzzling and almost mischevious, like why? why remain unknown? what is there to hide? we had a splendid long chat on the trampoline (i'm tellin ya, that's where everything important goes down, its all discussed), and it was naturally surprising to find how many experiences we can relate to and how much of each others past we understand. i always seem to find the closeness and understanding in people whom i would never dream could comprehend my absurd feelings, its great to just be able to talk when people actually listen and all these truths you hold get through their abnormally un-thick skulls.(i guess i could have said, thin, but that just sounds dumb.) ahhhh...
i've noticed it's really uncomfortable when you are talking about little problems you're going through and since other people understand, it's not stupid or unecessary, the feeling you have, but important and desperate, but then you read up on something about genocide or poverty, suffering and murder. you just end up thinking, my little "suffering" seems so lame, so hideously trivial, i am disgusted with myself, the guilt! the shame!
then i think of small times or incidents i call "life-altering" or "redemptive" and i feel so... just ugh. i mean the places people find faith are with the starving, the homeless, the ill, the dying, and i just feel so ignorant and foolish. almost deprived, like even though i have so much, and feel so spoiled, i feel empty and lacking, disturbed. i want to give everything up, turn it all away, all the little things some call necessities, to just finally be free and open to god. when everything is given up and away, and we have broken down the barricade obstructing our vision and we can see. I LONG TO SEE...! all these thoughts and feelings i am discovering i never knew i had everything makes sense now, just from reading this book, THE IRRESISTIBLE REVOLUTION: LIVING AS AN ORDINARY RADICAL, by shane claiborne. oh my goodness, you all must read this book, i don't care what you are, christian, muslim, jewish, buddhist, anything, this is the way to live. the road less traveled is the road most needed. i want with everything to have nothing, be nothing to be ready for anything, everything. if this is the only way that truly makes everything clear, everything make sense, then why am i so hesitant to begin? it's all about our COMFORT ZONE, blast those! but i think once we depart, take the first step away from THE ZONE, everything will begin, our lives will begin. we're like fledglings (doesn't it seem everything is compared to baby birds these days?) even though in the nest we are safe, warm and fed by our mothers (thanks mom, by the way) once we just hope out and open up our wings, we are ready to soar and the first real adventure of our life begins. and even though there will be other, bigger birds to put us down, and we'll have to search and work for our food and shelter, it is the way. and compared to all the other mixed up paths, well, this actually makes sense.
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1 comment:
wow.
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