this life in my pocket: issue 10: (!!!)

no more "breaking free"
whatever that was. its more
like breaking down now..

i feel so messed up,
so malfunction-y, just failed.
i keep screwing up,

and i can't stop it.
downward spiraling... but not
happy roller coaster ones,

no "WHEE-DE-WHOOP!!!" just
more of an "AGHHHhhhh..!". and i can't
stop, reality's twisting

and i don't know how
to look at it, everything
seems warped and whitewashed.



"You see the smile that's on my mouth
Is hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through but you do
And I was made for you..."
-"The Story"
Brandi Carlile



i just.. keep faltering, and i'm making everyone
stressed and
depressed just spreading my
mess. i keep on scarring the
blessed, ruining the
rest. there seems to be
less
rest when the
mess is in my mind and on my heart
confessed from my lips to your
best love, warm on my eyes burning away the
stress of the
mess, until you leave and i am here. still fully
dressed but naked all the same, like the
rest. but in the dark, it is the
best, when we can't see the love mingling with confusion, we can just
rest, together as one, melting the
mess away, to leave with the
stress. the soft
press of your hand against my hair. holding back the
mess, the
stress, both of us, our presence and His keeping us from being
depressed, just us,
blessed, in this time of
rest.


the sobs and the tears
don't cover up whats here.
and i see it like this, and i know it is so
and the more i look at it

the more i wish i was blind.

the words aren't for me
said by me, lent to me,
but as i hear your voices,
switching and light,

i wish i was deaf.

tears come rolling down my cheeks
bitter when they reach my mouth,
for they went down many sorrowful roads,
the taste that they bring is rotten and sore,

i wish i could taste no more.

your body pressed against mine,
leaning there, strong and warm,
i don't want to depend so much, but as i turn cold
i need you, yet i still i get up to leave,

i wish i couldn't feel, feel this emptiness.

your hair and your hands,
my home and the absence
wrapped in that scent,
replaced by new grass, i want it back.

but with these new breaths, i don't want to smell any more.

a new sense, powerful as anything,
bringing home love and hate,
the passions shatter me,
i know you can feel it too, and where will it lead us?

keep this constant feeling, i cannot let go.



SHAKing.
SoBbing.
rOckING.
coVeRing.
a wreck. holding myself. don't let them fall away. don't let them in. hold myself. hold together.

absence. abyss. abs. ABC, easy as 1 2 3. NEVER!

senses, fail me. fail me please. hold me back. lead me back. back there. back.

ON AN ISLAND IN THE SUN, WE'LL BE PLAYING AND HAVING FUN, AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SO FINE I CAN'T CONTROL MY--

brain hurts. reeling. film. short film. come to me. lay by me. we will hold each other. someone to hold. for both of us. both of us. both of us.

AND THE TEARS COME STREAMING DOWN YOUR FACE, WHEN YOU LOSE SOMETHING YOU CAN'T REPLACE. WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE BUT IT GOES TO WASTE. COULD IT BE WORSE? LIGHTS WILL GUIDE YOU HOME AND IGNITE YOUR BONES AND I WILL
TRY TO FIX--

you promised. i promised. i am here. i am here. you are not leaving. you promised. but have you gone? i want that feeling back. it was mine. it was ours. i want. i want. i am not.

MARIANNE: if his present regrets are half as painful as mine he will suffer enough.
ELINOR: do you compare your conduct with his?
MARIANNE: no. i compare it with what it ought to have been. i compare it with yours.

OH NO, YOU NEVER LET GO THROUGH THE CALM AND THROUGH THE STORM, OH NO, YOU NEVER LET GO IN EVERY HIGH AND EVERY LOW, OH NO, YOU NEVER LET GO OF--.

me and you. we must hold on to each other. we must. we must. you were right all along. all along. always.

the frogs. the frogs. hold on to good friends. remember the frogs. and their words.

let us. let us. drop our ice cream. wave our spoons. let us. drop it off a bridge. save me, cherry garcia. lets save it. it fell off the bridge. it is still okay. its better this way. actually.