yes, yes, my loves, i beith posting AGAIN! but like, its all in good time, all in good time, haven't posted for a while, 6 days, i do believe... i have so much to post on, so, so much, but through all of it, i just don't know what to say, no words are matching up with my overwheming feelings. to speak the truth, nothing is really matching up with these feelings, i don't really want anything to have to, but it means less understanding.. AGAIN..
so in all of this--no i guess because of this (or would it be this is because...??)-- there is that blood curdling sense of chaos, of fear, because i don't know how to stop it, i don't know what to do, i'm outta control, and there is absolutely nothing in my way, nothing to keep me from this lack of mental composure.. blechk.
i just... i dunno, events led up to this, but the more and more i talk about it, the more i hear myself, the more i know how wrong i was, how wrong all of this was, and how lost i feel. lost meaning: not understanding what the hell is going on, people not understanding whats going on, and i mean, how can they, when i can't communicate, when i am stuck in this standstill of misunderstandings? these feelings that nothing is stopping me is getting me more and more stuck in this ditch of desperation, i can;t even stop.. me. and thats really scary...
and like nothing is clicking.. when people tell me what would be wise and safe to do, i just am like "aiite... sounds good!" but i have no way of registering that in my mind, and i have no sense of knowledge when i should apply that and when i shouldn't. its like "thinking before you act/speak" has like no.. effect, no meaning. i feel caged.. and however i can think to get out, i will take.. even if it means getting suspended.. i don't wanna go that way, it makes me feel just plain sick.. and i hate myself for that.
but maybe i just don't wanna take advice, or be all goody-goody, with overflowing guilt when i do something wrong; maybe i don't wanna have to know the difference between right and wrong, to just have moral issues fade away; to just be able to not care anymore, it gives me... nothing.. and maybe i just want that, so i don't have to deal... but then again, i don't feel i want that, i just want out.. i wanna know whats going on, i want my control back, i want to be able to know whats good and whats not, because without it i really am nothing.. nothing but a bad reputation, but i don't wanna be that, in a world of bad reps, i wanna go against that, because then we are whole, we do what is needed and we can make people think, and remember us, without ruining their days..
omg! ok i found these lyrics (finally!) by this amazing artist ron sexsmith, and they totally describe how i'm feeling about this whole blasted school fiasco, i want out, and at last, someone has words that fit..!
FROM NOW ON
Have we been blind
Have we been lied to
Best keep our eyes open
From now on
There's no peace of mind
When the war's inside you
It feels like something's broken
Something's gone
But it's a new day from now on
And this time I won't wonder
From dusk till dawn
If a new day's coming
It's a new day from now on
We live in times
Where choice is frowned upon
Afraid to even raise
Our voice in song
Or speak our minds
For fear of falling on
The wrong side of opinion
Where has freedom gone
But it's a new day from now on
And this time I won't wonder
From dusk till dawn
If a new day's coming
It's a new day from now on
They're in the business of panic and control
We're in the business of the heart
And of the soul
Have we been blind
Have we been lied to
Best keep our eyes open
From now on
But it's a new day from now on
And which case I won't wonder
When Monday's gone
If Tuesday's coming
It's a new day from now on
New day from now on
And this time I won't wonder
From dusk till dawn
If a new day's coming
It's new day from now on
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