last nite was good, i watched the academy awards at jordans. it was magnificent, that pizza was positively bodacious, and oh! that ice cream! that was to die for. high 5 jordan..
but then i noticed about half way thru i was exhausted. and i mean, why? it was awful, and i hadn't done much of anything all day but sorta just turn myself off, just flipping that switch turned me numb ("deprived of the power of sensation"), i was just a body and some tears, that was the extent of it, nothing moved me, well maybe a lil piano, but that was all too fleeting.. but like i was seriously gone, ill, empty. and after a while, feeling started coming back, but i didn't feel good, not at all. it was just all to much, all to painful, i was just low, i was just hurting, and i felt-- alone.. and i mean i know i never truly am, but i have trouble connecting with those that are there when my eye is focused on too small a space, too limited amount of room that i want contained, that blinds me from the rest of the-- i guess, salvation that comes..
i'm not sure i'm not sure why the depression came, its just like, too much. and i'm tired, i'm tired of feeling alone, i'm tired of feeling lost, i just wanna be found, found when i can't find myself, i just wanna be held when i am weeping, held when i'm shining, and to hold, hold through it all.. i just wanna know that i am not alone in a small, vacant way.
and so now, the week is new, the week could be bright and i know someone will be here, despite... nevermind they WILL come. faith is renewed, and its stronger than abandonment, than exclusion, than betrayal. but i still have these.. i dunno, like ashes in my pancakes.. in everything good that comes, theres more just blechk along with it, and in this time, i can't see how fresh and beautiful things are without noticing that crap will be a-coming along with it, even if i can't see it, i know its there, and i can't ignore it.. i don't want to be like this, always seeing the junk in life, letting it screw up the magnificence.. like outside, in the bleak pit of our backyard, i see some grass is finally starting to burst up, and its so green and so alive and fresh, and i see it and i just want to roll around in it and let the new life envelope me.. but then i know, that just when i walk out there, i'm gonna get covered in burrs and dirt thats just hiding amongst the beauty. sigh.
but maybe we aren't meant to just ignore all this stuff thrown at us in such a rough way, or avoid it, or even just accept it as it is, in all its unpleasantness, in all its hideously depressing ways.. maybe we aren't supposed to let it dampen our lives, maybe, just maybe, we are meant to root it out, cleanse ourselves and eachother of it. and i know it seems impossible to keep coming back to this stuff with smiles on our faces, all prepared and happy to be able to rid ourselves of this horror, but if we take it as it comes, spare ourselves from the hellishness of it all and try to move on, we can learn to live a little more brightly.. we won't be alone if we all lean on each other in this battle.. but maybe we can see how much we can save together... together: not alone...
3 comments:
WHY?
Why is it whne everything is going good and we feel comfortable in life, that it suddenly crubles? Why is it that when we come across one obstical, and try to go around it that we run into three more? Why do bad things come out of someting good? Why do problems eat at us and make us cry? Why do people think they have the right to look down on someone else? Where is God in all of this? I know he's there but what is he doing? Why, why, why.....
you wanted me to post this and i can see why... but im doing this for you... my blog is monkeyboy91 well thats my url w.e u get it
ok well posting on my own blog again.. silly me. but i wanted u folks to read these lyrics and i didn't want to make a whole new post just for a bit of lyrics, so i commented them on my previous post, and i know none of u r going back there, but they had to do with a that post, but i just found them, and i still want you to have them and you'll prolly read these comments and stuff rather than go all the way back to the post "this life in my pocket: issue 2: who really cares?" and read the comment that has the lyrics.. but ANYways! please go back there and stuff and read em and then consider buying the song, i could lend you the cd, but a) i have no clue where it was, i downloaded them thru a lil thing from the other comps library, i guess i could just lend that to u, but y'kno, who knos where that is?! and b) noah says that mark says that if u do that, ppl r getting extra songs that they shoulda just bought, so its sorta just piracy, and i was all "well dontcha have to downlaod em and then SELL them for it to be piracy, but idk, and i mean, who does? so to conclude, i think u should go to the previous post and then read the lyrics in the comment and then think about em, and then think about considering the idea of possibly deciding to buy the song, or just asking if i can give it to you, adn then prep for a big argument/3way with noah about what is piracy and whats not and whether or not i should lend it to u... but first i think u should try to remember just what we were talking about in the beginning of this comment... smart ideas...
It's hard to feel like other people are there because people rarely experience true empathy and when you're having troublesome meditational times you want people to know what you're going through which is almost impossible because everyone has different passions and motives and ideals of life. But you have to accept the most that they can do for you and know that they are truly are trying...
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