this life in my pocket: issue 11: tinted windows

i don't wanna post because then all of yous will believe me to be complaining, or asking for help, as always. or you guys will all try to change they way you are just so i won't feel the way i feel. don't. change for you.

i feel so distrusted. like.. agh. what can i do? a lot of people expect me to trust them, and i mean i do, and i couldn't be more thankful that they allow me to, but.. agh. i mean.. what more can i do for them to trust me? to want to trust me? its part of the deal, but they still don't, they run away back to the people that are stronger. am i really that weak? it hurts me for their lack of trust. and i just keep hearing, "i do trust you.. with some stuff..." and like.. they expect me to still trust them, when i only know who they are through what they have done for me, but i don't even know what they, and the people around them, are up to. i don't know them, and they won't let me. i can't help like this. and thats all i really want. but their confidence in me is faltering, and i just..

"i will always be there for you," really isn't meaning anything. nothing at all if you won't confide. i won't make you, when you are so obviously resisting, but i just wanna know why. do you not wanna hurt me? do you think i am too insecure? will i just make you worse? its what i tend to do, isn't it? i just.. its like..

i don't even know you. not like this.

i can't ask you to open up, because you are. just not to me.

tinted windows. you can see out, out into me. but i can't see in, are you still even there? hiding yourself. checking on me. what if i closed up again too? just so we could be even in this game of deception. just so we could be even.

do you realize how much you're hurting me? do you realize that all i ever wanted.. is forbidden because you worry too much. worry to hurt me, worry to hurt yourself, worry that i won't hear you.

how about i try a vow of silence? and i will wait. wait til you are ready. wait til you can talk. all i will do is listen.

all i will do is listen.

but does that make me just like you? no. no because i know i still can. i know i still can speak.

i will wait for you. i will listen.