Monday, January 29, 2007

brooding, but in a nicer way

as some of you children may know, i was trying out silence. and i know for some of you its like "her?! being SILENT?!!?!?!?! that'd be the day..." but i mean, for some it may not be that big of a shocker anymore, not at all.
some people have said that it was a like a big ole vow of silence thing, but that seems a bit harsh. i mean i'm not waiting to get into the air force or not talking for like 9 months like some people (cough, dwyane, cough). but it was more like, uhm, i had a lot on my mind, a lot of painful stuff, and i needed to find silence in all of it so i could think. it was kind of like brooding, but in a nicer way. i guess just being thoughtful, but i mean, that sounds boring and so-- well, whatever. yeah, hmm. i was actually quite proud of myself, cuz i came up with this really good retort, like if someone tried to get me to talk, or teased me about it, or like just got me all offended it'd be ready. and it was like, "i'm trying out silence, why don't you try out respect?", a bit rude yeah, a bit forceful but it definately seemed a bit, i dunno, hypocritical. but i sorta softened it up, cuz it was like my mom i ended having to feed the would-be retort to... ah, well.
but like while i was at it, my dad gave me this good quote, fantastic really... and naturally, i'd like to share it to you.

"Many people ask me to speak, but nobody as yet has invited me for
silence.  Still, I realize that the more I speak, the more I will need
silence to remain faithful to what I say. People expect too much from
speaking and too little from silence."

 ~ Henry Nouwen  

SEE?!!?! ain't it just brilliant. you have to go back and taste it for a while, let it soak in. now go! GO! go back and read it again...

Sunday, January 28, 2007

i am sorry (why apologize for your mind?)

why am i doing this now? should i tell them whats going on? would they care? whose they? whose reading this anyway? why do you keep reading? am i complaining to much? yes? no? do i think too much? why should i care what anybody else thinks? do i care too much? do you think so? do i? it sounds like i care too much, don't it? should i stop? am i worrying too much? i don't think i need this, do you?
why do i feel so tormented, like something tragic happened?
did you see those eyes too? how could you've? i was the only one looking, right? did you feel like that when you looked? were you trying to impress that image, that bit of your soul? was it a warning? a word?
why did it scare me so much?
was it like that dream? do you feel that one too? is that the end? do i say please and you stay there, but never turn? will you ever turn to face me? or walk away so you can come back running? lifting, soaring, will you? i cannot imagine, hope has eluded me once again, has it you? or are you all too proud of yourself for never turning back? this alley is long, will you keep on walking, will i keep on crumbling? will we kiss the darkness? form with the darkness? but why is it only you running back? shouldn't i go too? all along it has been you there for me, will it always be?
my brother needs to turn down that music, how can he stand listening to them whine?
how can you listen to me? or are you just soaring away, eluding me with hope? are you my hope? my only hope? i explained those trifles, were you understanding? was it all a waste? am i? was this whole thing futile? will we turn again to square one? or have i gone too far, too far off the board? i just don't fit do i? i am sorry.

a poem! to fit. it is mine. is it good enough for you?

A Feverish Quiet (Don’t Apologize)

Wrong in your eyes.
Apologies are tossed aside.
No use.
It is me.

Don’t apologize for who you are.
It is all wrong,
By this way.
It burns.

My very soul,
Will be wrong?
I cannot breathe.

A feverish quiet.

Slow down.
Speed up.
Crying out in the dark.
No one hears.
Rank, rotten.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

that one there (when all others fail)

its been two weeks. things are __________ (forgive my lack of adjectives...). i have no support: moral, mental, spiritual, physical, none. and i'm tired. maybe i should quit the blog. would that be lame? this has been a healthy solace, when all others fail, but maybe, just maybe it was all i needed for a time. a SMALL time. sigh. i dunno, maybe i need this a lot right now, and i just can't see it. it hurts when i bring it up and people are like, "oh, you still do that old thing, i mean people still visit it...?" and i have absolutely nothing to say to their bored and incredulous faces. what do i do? sigh. the truth is i miss you. i miss myself. and i am wearing a skirt.

Saturday, January 6, 2007

paulo and the partial post

ok well this is not OFFICIALLY a post, i mean it may say it is, but believe me, its not up to proper standards. i just wanted to explain that elephant/dog/moose/kangaroo thing that is sitting there, he fell there by accident, and i can't figure out how to get him off. oh and his name's paulo, so just say hi!

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

dread that head

ok, ok, yes i'm posting again. but hey it is MY blog which i am so kindly sharing with YOU folkie(s). we just got back from berkeley, splendiferous city by the way, reallllly wacky, but its quite what i'd call BODACIOUS! and the people (i would say humans, but everytime i go up there i get more and more unsure...) make it all the more rad. so it was awfully groovy. totally, completely, utterly spectacular. we stayed with our known-for-ages-so-you-can-practically-barf-on-their-foreheads-and-they'll-still-love-you friends (ok well, personally i've never tried that, but y'know, i can only imagine. eww, gross, nevermind. ah, well, whatcha gonna do?). ooh crud, i was with la belleza (my buddy on the other blog: and we are SUPPOSED to post on it everytime we are together. Oops. ohhh well, ehehe. erg.
so while i've been back (like two days) i haven't been doing so good. like to start, on the way home from berkeley, i started texting my friend, ehehe ooh, well i think i scared him half to death, NOT so smooth, uhhh not at all. and so then in the car we pass one of those cow concentration camps. and i mean c'mon, have you ever seen those, thats what they are, concentration camps for the cows (you better not laugh...!). the cows sit in this really cramped space, living in crap, and just ughh... and they sit their until someone picks them up and throws them in some rotten machine to KILL them. WHERE ARE THE ANIMAL RIGHTS PEOPLE AT A TIME LIKE THIS!!! sheesh, it was hideously disgusting and it hurt. so i vowed not to eat cows, or beef, unless it became a very dire time where i just HAD to. i also wouldn't eat pigs, no bacon, no pork or anything, unless it was free range, like some poultry and fishies. it was paining. shudders...! so on with the list of things i have screwed up since i got back. when i get home, i get in a fight with my dad, give up on painting my room and leave all the work to my mom, accuse someone that they were a passionless lump (same dude i had messed up in the car ride back from berkeley), leave all my junk in the hall, and wake my parents up to find my toothbrush. i reallllllly messed up over, and over, but wait, i can explain all my actions, they aren't as bad as the sound. the fight with my dad was resolved; i eventually started painting my room again; and i DIDN'T call him a passionless lump, thats just the way it sounded, its not that bad, we worked it out, sorta, but i think i scarred him, erg; the junk was moved into my room; and we hadn't completely unpacked from berkeley so i had positively NO CLUE WHERE ON EARTH MY TOOTHBRUSH WAS, so i woke them up (i was watching pirates of the carribean 2, so i stayed up a bit later) and then... ooh, it was just bad. but i have been acting REALLY strange, like i randomly ask people these horridly personal questions outta the blue, but thats almost ok since we're close, but still, and i was listening to this one radiohead song called "idioteque" which is a viciously disconcerting song, and i'm thinking of becoming a dreadhead. y'know with dreads, DREADLOCKS people!!! nah, but really, i am seriously looking into it. sorry if i'm scaring you, i think i'm scaring myself, this post makes no sense whatsover, does it? ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! i'm sorry, people, i love you all, gotta go before i actually hurt someone, ah, well.