Friday, March 30, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 15: love me true

hey peoples.. ok, i'm doing a bit better, not much, but still. thank you, thank you, thank you for just being there for me, i can't thank you enough. thanks, my loves. you don't know how much you mean to me.

ahaha, how sappy/soppy/soapy, i'll stop. nah, but really, you mean so much to me. you don't even know.

its weird how much, while i'm at that place i call school, my soul is absent. its like that place is sucking out my soul or "squelching my spirit" as gini said. i just.. can't breathe there. at all. its killing me bit by bit. and see i'm so sure that place is why i am so faded, so blanched, because i feel so constricted there, and the second school's out i feel i can soar. i'm free and nothing, NOTHING is holding me back.

wow this is getting really, unnaturally sappy. blechk. besides, i actually was coming to post about something.. hmm.. OH! yes..


i know i have probably discussed this with some of you, as it has been discussed with me (thanks, mom. ehehhe.) but just writing it down keeps it there, and i can't trust all of you with your skills at recollection. or whatever. ok to the point!

many people act, right? i mean like take action, there are a few who just.. don't. but most of those are dead. anyways, there tend to be two motives in a situation you are in with someone you care for, i mean in situations with someone you don't like.. you just a) ignore 'em, b) glare/stare 'em down, c) fight 'em, or... whatever i've forgotten. but THAT is not the point. we're talking about actions we take in a situation with people we actually LIKE! ok? stay focused!

so in those situations, we either take action through feelings of a) love or b) guilt. right? so like when someone says, "i will be here for you," you might ask (probably in your head..) "WHY?" [and i mean, if you both love each other enough, you will prolly get to the point of full on trust (thats always good.) and you really won't wonder at all, cuz i mean, duh! you love each other enough. hnh.] but otherwise, you can always wonder, right? and like.. if you are feeling low on self restraint and you just must ask, "WHY?!" they might reply a) "why wouldn't i?/ i'm here for you. always./ i am trying, we are working, we will fix you/etc."(any or all of 'em), or b) i felt bad cuz.../ i thought i owed you/ well you did and i just didn't react, so i felt bad/etc." (again, any or all of 'em). and i mean, if the people truly feel that they have been indebted so far into the other's love or care, then repaying the debt to bring them up to that equality is all good. so yeah...

i have learned that its better to do things out of love than guilt. cuz it just is. more positive, more passionate, more honest. i mean love should replace guilt, it eliminates the guilt, sends it away, heals it, no? and so its just more wholesome, for ourselves, for them. i mean we shouldn't stay in relationships if its all for the other person, nothing for ourselves, just cuz we don't wanna hurt them. we shouldn't heal or help or solve because their pain makes us feel sick, and we just wanna get rid of the pain, but we barely know who we're fixing.

so see? doesn't that just make sense? to take action through love for another, rather than to only repay debts, because debt shouldn't be a huge, dragging problem, for if the person you are healing loves you and is welcome to your help, the debt should be mostly pardoned, right? you are equals. love is equal. so what is the deal?

Monday, March 26, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 14: what have i done?


i feel so idiotic. worthless..

i keep going down, in grades.. in everything. and not just in the stupid, humdrum, everyday crap, but in the extra stuff, in my privileges allowing me to get ahead. its all tumbling down. and i know, i know that here, here is something no one can do anything more about. nothing more. this is my duty, it is my education. and i can no longer wait, can not waste these next 3 months, humming to myself and whispering none of this matters.. none at all. i can't because some of it is not nothing, some of it i can't ignore and take it for granted. it is an advancement for me, and i can't afford to get behind.

during my free period today my english teacher gave us a prompt for our journal, a prompt that i will not be able to write, not if i want to stay dry. oh, no. he asked us, all of us, how we have changed this year, postitively or negatively. how we, ourselves see our changes. changes in academic and personal areas, and how they affect us, how we feel about them. he asked how others have seen us change this year, and how they feel and how our changes have affected them. and what we can do to change, and what we will.

so i thought about this a while. i know i have changed. a lot. and right now i feel as if it was all negative, all these problems at school, all this bitterness between friends, my parents, and i, they are all i can see. nothing i have done can possibly rule them out. nothing at all. i know people have seen me too, they are worried, i am not who i was. i know i have not pleased them, not pleased anyone. how can i have like this? too many mistakes.. too many failings. how can this be changed? accepted? forgiven? forgotten?

i immediately burst into tears. i tried to cover it up. cover it in my arms. as i had gotten myself i little back up, my friends came in and asked if they could borrow me for a project in the other class, the second i got out of that classroom i broke down. i swear i started sobbing, it wasn't any old tears coming down my cheeks, i was sobbing. full on sobbing.

i got to forget a bit, block it out, while working on the project. i could laugh, but it wasn't truly happy, there was still underlying bitterness and despair. always.

i don't remember the last time i honestly laughed.

sometimes i start to feel too much, feel too strongly/harshly/passionately about something, and i hit a point where i can't any more. no more feeling can i let in. i feel no more.
i went into one of those things after troublings..

first: uncontrollable hyperness
second: that sorta dumbstruck/blank/numb place
third: i eventually got jolted back into wanting to feel again drawn through their laughter
fourth: the place where i could talk about it
fifth: into the depression again smashing all areas of my life.

i know many of those who are reading this have seen/felt/heard me in one of these places. i am so sorry. its not meant for you. i still love you, all of you. please take me back...

Saturday, March 24, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 13: don't need fancy when funky's good enough (feel real to me)

rats! every time..

ok, so its like, i read these lyrics and they are like AMAZING and i just... am wowed. i mean, how can they write stuff like that? its just so purely original and they don't need any fancy words when funky's good enough. and the placement seems real, its all so there, when we feel we aren't, it brings us back. back into feeling.

the district sleeps alone tonight
the postal service

Smeared black ink... your palms are sweaty
And I'm barely listening to last demands
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath
Where I am
Where I am

I'll wear my badge... a vinyl sticker with big block letters adherent to my chest
That tells your new friends I am a visitor here...
I am not permanent
And the only thing keeping me dry is
Where I am
Where I am
Where I am

You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving

D.C. sleeps alone tonight

Where I am
Where I am
Where I am

You seem so so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seing
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving

Where I am
Where I am
Where I am

The district sleeps alone tonight after the bars turn out their lights
And send the autos swerving into the loneliest evening
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving

and when i say my art is going byebye, that is what i mean, i can't do that, maybe i never could. but i feel vacant, vacant of anything real.

just filled with like beans. bean brain. fooey. gooey. bluey. mooey.

gini said something so perfect yesterday. it made so much sense. it was about

"squelched spirits."

and thats what it is. this feeling.

but i mean, maybe i just don't have it. (i know you have felt this, jordan.) but maybe i just haven't discovered it yet. art. passion. no, wait. i have felt both. i have seen/smelt/tasted/felt/heard art, in his eyes, that cupcake in a cone, the cracks in the sidewalk, the energy pulsing through your fingers. (it just doesn't fly.. off aerodynamics) and i am brimming with passions. sorta chaotic. just in waves of chaoticism. (theres a lemon crammed in my soda. did i put it there? does it just come that way? cruddy lemons. well, no. maybe they add that pucker, a bit of mischief in this bubbly world. if any of those words describe any of those words i just put them to describe. pucker:mischief::bubbly:world. sure!)

ANYways. back to those lyrics that whack me back. look.

i want so badly to believe that there is truth, that love is real
and i want life in every word to the extent that its absurd
i know your wise beyond your years but do you ever get the feeling
your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to to help you get by?
-"Clark Gable"
The Postal Service

i mean, ya feelin me? c'mon now.

and WHY can't i? i'm just trying too hard. i am. its like i can't think freely there, like i can on this blog. freedom in poetry.. (how metamorphic.) its zooming by, and i can't catch it.

i just watched DEAD POET'S SOCIETY and its blastingly potent, and it washes you in sepia tones and you can feel it drenching you. i can feel it. but i can't get in it. it still doesn't feel real to me now. its that aged thing. sepia tones, i'm telling you. its glorious to watch though. painfully splendid.

i can't get there. i want to be there. maybe its not somewhere i need to go, maybe its already upon me. i've walked into it, but its so enlightenlingly glow-y, i can't see it yet, still a tad blind.

always a tad blind. but not as bad as smidgey puppies..

Thursday, March 22, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 12: C-O-N--F-U-S-E-D.

i don't understand. nothing computes. confused to tears.

"fusion" means putting things together. the prefix "con" means against, or not with. thus "con-fusion" means not connecting, basically. two thoughts not connecting, conjuncting to create one thing. not fusing together to form a wholistic thought.

i am confused. but instead of minor forms of confusion, mine is echoing out. symbolizing itself on our bodies, on our minds. our very souls will not match up. and i don't understand.

whizzing by, passing by.
through empty space
and empty time.
i follow along with my eyes
but its too late, its all long gone.
that sense of knowing what to know
of knowing when its all too fast.
i can't keep up, theres no slowing down.
and all i find is what won't last.


ok in a situation, sometimes people are like "something is missing.." and everyone else is like "ooooh! what could it be?!", in other situations its like "ok, in our relationship i'm not feeling your love. its missing." and the others are like "yeah. maybe cuz i don't love you." (ok, forgive the hideously lame example. LoL that is the WORST example i've ever made. savor it. hnh.) and so EVERYONE knows whats missing, they just don't know where/how to get it. bumma for that couple of example 2! but like, y'know? you know what you need but you JUST CAN'T FIND IT!!! erg..! the AGONY!

confused. confusing. confuser. connyfusy. C-O-N-F-U-S-I-O-N.

i don't get it. how can you?

WHY am i confused? IS THAT what your asking? DO you really wanna know? READ MY LAST POST. AND THE ONE BEFORE!!!

i'm sorry. i just don't understand. how can this be? what have i done? agh..

this life in my pocket: issue 11: tinted windows

i don't wanna post because then all of yous will believe me to be complaining, or asking for help, as always. or you guys will all try to change they way you are just so i won't feel the way i feel. don't. change for you.

i feel so distrusted. like.. agh. what can i do? a lot of people expect me to trust them, and i mean i do, and i couldn't be more thankful that they allow me to, but.. agh. i mean.. what more can i do for them to trust me? to want to trust me? its part of the deal, but they still don't, they run away back to the people that are stronger. am i really that weak? it hurts me for their lack of trust. and i just keep hearing, "i do trust you.. with some stuff..." and like.. they expect me to still trust them, when i only know who they are through what they have done for me, but i don't even know what they, and the people around them, are up to. i don't know them, and they won't let me. i can't help like this. and thats all i really want. but their confidence in me is faltering, and i just..

"i will always be there for you," really isn't meaning anything. nothing at all if you won't confide. i won't make you, when you are so obviously resisting, but i just wanna know why. do you not wanna hurt me? do you think i am too insecure? will i just make you worse? its what i tend to do, isn't it? i just.. its like..

i don't even know you. not like this.

i can't ask you to open up, because you are. just not to me.

tinted windows. you can see out, out into me. but i can't see in, are you still even there? hiding yourself. checking on me. what if i closed up again too? just so we could be even in this game of deception. just so we could be even.

do you realize how much you're hurting me? do you realize that all i ever wanted.. is forbidden because you worry too much. worry to hurt me, worry to hurt yourself, worry that i won't hear you.

how about i try a vow of silence? and i will wait. wait til you are ready. wait til you can talk. all i will do is listen.

all i will do is listen.

but does that make me just like you? no. no because i know i still can. i know i still can speak.

i will wait for you. i will listen.

Monday, March 19, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 10: (!!!)

no more "breaking free"
whatever that was. its more
like breaking down now..

i feel so messed up,
so malfunction-y, just failed.
i keep screwing up,

and i can't stop it.
downward spiraling... but not
happy roller coaster ones,

no "WHEE-DE-WHOOP!!!" just
more of an "AGHHHhhhh..!". and i can't
stop, reality's twisting

and i don't know how
to look at it, everything
seems warped and whitewashed.

"You see the smile that's on my mouth
Is hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through but you do
And I was made for you..."
-"The Story"
Brandi Carlile

i just.. keep faltering, and i'm making everyone
stressed and
depressed just spreading my
mess. i keep on scarring the
blessed, ruining the
rest. there seems to be
rest when the
mess is in my mind and on my heart
confessed from my lips to your
best love, warm on my eyes burning away the
stress of the
mess, until you leave and i am here. still fully
dressed but naked all the same, like the
rest. but in the dark, it is the
best, when we can't see the love mingling with confusion, we can just
rest, together as one, melting the
mess away, to leave with the
stress. the soft
press of your hand against my hair. holding back the
mess, the
stress, both of us, our presence and His keeping us from being
depressed, just us,
blessed, in this time of

the sobs and the tears
don't cover up whats here.
and i see it like this, and i know it is so
and the more i look at it

the more i wish i was blind.

the words aren't for me
said by me, lent to me,
but as i hear your voices,
switching and light,

i wish i was deaf.

tears come rolling down my cheeks
bitter when they reach my mouth,
for they went down many sorrowful roads,
the taste that they bring is rotten and sore,

i wish i could taste no more.

your body pressed against mine,
leaning there, strong and warm,
i don't want to depend so much, but as i turn cold
i need you, yet i still i get up to leave,

i wish i couldn't feel, feel this emptiness.

your hair and your hands,
my home and the absence
wrapped in that scent,
replaced by new grass, i want it back.

but with these new breaths, i don't want to smell any more.

a new sense, powerful as anything,
bringing home love and hate,
the passions shatter me,
i know you can feel it too, and where will it lead us?

keep this constant feeling, i cannot let go.

a wreck. holding myself. don't let them fall away. don't let them in. hold myself. hold together.

absence. abyss. abs. ABC, easy as 1 2 3. NEVER!

senses, fail me. fail me please. hold me back. lead me back. back there. back.


brain hurts. reeling. film. short film. come to me. lay by me. we will hold each other. someone to hold. for both of us. both of us. both of us.


you promised. i promised. i am here. i am here. you are not leaving. you promised. but have you gone? i want that feeling back. it was mine. it was ours. i want. i want. i am not.

MARIANNE: if his present regrets are half as painful as mine he will suffer enough.
ELINOR: do you compare your conduct with his?
MARIANNE: no. i compare it with what it ought to have been. i compare it with yours.


me and you. we must hold on to each other. we must. we must. you were right all along. all along. always.

the frogs. the frogs. hold on to good friends. remember the frogs. and their words.

let us. let us. drop our ice cream. wave our spoons. let us. drop it off a bridge. save me, cherry garcia. lets save it. it fell off the bridge. it is still okay. its better this way. actually.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

death cab for cutie: "soul meets body"

sigh. what loveliness, i can't help myself.

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

I cannot guess what we'll discover
We turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body

I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Monday, March 12, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 9: breaking free (?)

i have nothing to post.

LIES! i have lots to post, but again, nothing will fit into the words or images, or maybe i just don't want them too. reminds me of thinking. blast. this is why i can't write anymore, its been too long, too much has happened. see, noah? hmmm?
blechk, what is the point of this post? maybe its like carving, you see some figure trying to break free and come alive outside the wood, and as you slice away the wood and splinters, it becomes sorta beautiful. not that i carve. i guess that goes for lots of things, not the lack of carving, but once someone comes to cut them out to freedom, they become beautiful.. or at least beautiful to the carver/molder person. is that enough?

for another question, so we really need that much? can you carve yourself? if we can't, are we really that different from blocks of wood, spare lumber, and logs? we're all the same. i mean, i'm not the same as you, and you're not the same as her, and he's not the same as that elephant, but we're all the same, we're all stuck here, waiting for someone to carve us out. can't we all just see ourselves singing "Finally yes! Finally now! Finally something takes me away, Finally free! Finally he can cut through these strings And open my wings!"*?

and i mean, c'mon now, what're we waiting for, are we THAT challenged that we have to wait on our shining knights to steal us away from these towers? do we have to wait for someone to come on over and open us up, clean up our wounds, sew us up, just so we can run again? do we have to wait for the daylight to be able to see? do we have to wait to fall off a cliff and be saved by some mage, just to be loved? do we have to die to live? do i just have to write this post so someone will listen? do we really need to do all that, just to be alive and free? (why am i asking this, is this what my mind's even on?) are we really that co-dependent? can we survive alone? should we try? would we even dare..?

this isn't making sense. i might post later, when actual fully formed ideas and words can come to mind. but then again, maybe not.

but hey, one more idea. this sorta has to do with this other thing i've been thinking about. the thing that our lives don't start when we get in to some school, when we turn 16, when we get smiled at by some person, when we fall in love, when we learn this new skill, when we get some thing, when.. you get the point. so yeah, life isn't gonna START for you in one of these situations, sure it'll CHANGE, but i mean you can't just wait for life to begin, you can't tell when it'll start or end, we're just flecks in the system called "life" and it is not up to us.. where it goes. do what you want, you can wait... and wait, but life ain't waiting up for you, its gonna keep on going.. whos gonna miss it?

*"goodbye until tomorrow/i could never rescue you" from "the last 5 years"

did i really need to put that, i mean did any of you really notice the "*" up there? no, i doubt it.. how excessive.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 8: getting back on track.. WHEEEEE!

i have a tremendous bruise on my leg. its a nice fine shade of GREY, with happy indigo spots.. its from playing brutal soccer, its not that hard, the chicks CRUSH the dudes, everytime, no duh. but its rough, i fall over constantly and i like while i'm down anyone in the zone of my ginormous kicking range gets knocked down too, and unfortunately for them, they have to get dirty (don't we all) and unfortunately for me, i get LANDED ON. but its really all good, cuz i haven't had this much fun playing soccer in like forever and a day. WHEEEEEE! speaking of WHEEEEE! me and jacob were making paper boats in free period, and it had four windows and it was called (guess what..) WHEEEEE! and then he was drawing this guy getting shot by this little other guy and like he was gushing red stuff from his side, but me, promoting non-violence, as i am, just HAD to make the guy who was gushing eat a strawberry jelly sandwich and the stuff on his side coulda been jelly, the sandwich was dripping enough. but THEN what to do with the lil shooting guy?! BUILD A WALL! and so i drew a wall, ehehe, and the dude was shooting ducks outta his lill gun, and they were launching off the walls, YAY! so thats me and non-violence, but i also gotta share the love, right? so i took bites outta chris's cupcake in a cone, and it was good, and then i almost sat on jordan, cuz he was feeling all depressed, and it was good, and then i said hi to nick like 3 times, and it was good, then i said good game to patrick, and it was good, then i ate a cookie for mr. desal, and it was good, then i told michele not to light anymore matches, cuz it was my idea, and i can't have her getting in trouble for my pyromania, right? no, indeed. so it was all good, i prolly spread some more love buuuuuuuuut, being the verrrrrrrrrrrry loving person that i am, i can't remember all those good deeds.. ehehe, nah, not thaaaaaat wonderful.
and omg, did i tell you?!?! CLAIRES COMING!!! WHOO HOO! this i'll be so radical (ehe, radical..) and i am so excited, i might even go for a bikeride..! ooooh, who wants to come?!

Monday, March 5, 2007

coldplay: "sparks"

an apology, in words that i could never write. an apology, in words that i could never place, if not for them, if not for these. why do i keep going back? what keeps this from ceasing to exist? tension.. tension, and i don't know where, but i will break it any way i can...

Did I drive you away?
I know what you'll say
You'll say, "Oh, sing one we know"
But I promise you this
I'll always look out for you
That's what I'll do

I say "oh"
I say "oh"

My heart is yours
It's you that I hold on to
That's what I do
And I know I was wrong
But I won't let you down
(Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah I will, yes I will…)

I said "oh"
I cry "oh"

Yeah I saw sparks
Yeah I saw sparks
And I saw sparks
Yeah I saw sparks
Singing out

La, la, la, la, oh…
La, la, la, la, oh…
La, la, la, la, oh…
La, la, la, la, oh…

Saturday, March 3, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 7: lost between good and... not so good

yes, yes, my loves, i beith posting AGAIN! but like, its all in good time, all in good time, haven't posted for a while, 6 days, i do believe... i have so much to post on, so, so much, but through all of it, i just don't know what to say, no words are matching up with my overwheming feelings. to speak the truth, nothing is really matching up with these feelings, i don't really want anything to have to, but it means less understanding.. AGAIN..
so in all of this--no i guess because of this (or would it be this is because...??)-- there is that blood curdling sense of chaos, of fear, because i don't know how to stop it, i don't know what to do, i'm outta control, and there is absolutely nothing in my way, nothing to keep me from this lack of mental composure.. blechk.
i just... i dunno, events led up to this, but the more and more i talk about it, the more i hear myself, the more i know how wrong i was, how wrong all of this was, and how lost i feel. lost meaning: not understanding what the hell is going on, people not understanding whats going on, and i mean, how can they, when i can't communicate, when i am stuck in this standstill of misunderstandings? these feelings that nothing is stopping me is getting me more and more stuck in this ditch of desperation, i can;t even stop.. me. and thats really scary...
and like nothing is clicking.. when people tell me what would be wise and safe to do, i just am like "aiite... sounds good!" but i have no way of registering that in my mind, and i have no sense of knowledge when i should apply that and when i shouldn't. its like "thinking before you act/speak" has like no.. effect, no meaning. i feel caged.. and however i can think to get out, i will take.. even if it means getting suspended.. i don't wanna go that way, it makes me feel just plain sick.. and i hate myself for that.
but maybe i just don't wanna take advice, or be all goody-goody, with overflowing guilt when i do something wrong; maybe i don't wanna have to know the difference between right and wrong, to just have moral issues fade away; to just be able to not care anymore, it gives me... nothing.. and maybe i just want that, so i don't have to deal... but then again, i don't feel i want that, i just want out.. i wanna know whats going on, i want my control back, i want to be able to know whats good and whats not, because without it i really am nothing.. nothing but a bad reputation, but i don't wanna be that, in a world of bad reps, i wanna go against that, because then we are whole, we do what is needed and we can make people think, and remember us, without ruining their days..

omg! ok i found these lyrics (finally!) by this amazing artist ron sexsmith, and they totally describe how i'm feeling about this whole blasted school fiasco, i want out, and at last, someone has words that fit..!


Have we been blind
Have we been lied to
Best keep our eyes open
From now on
There's no peace of mind
When the war's inside you
It feels like something's broken
Something's gone

But it's a new day from now on
And this time I won't wonder
From dusk till dawn
If a new day's coming
It's a new day from now on 

We live in times
Where choice is frowned upon
Afraid to even raise
Our voice in song
Or speak our minds
For fear of falling on
The wrong side of opinion
Where has freedom gone 

But it's a new day from now on
And this time I won't wonder
From dusk till dawn
If a new day's coming
It's a new day from now on

They're in the business of panic and control
We're in the business of the heart
And of the soul

Have we been blind
Have we been lied to
Best keep our eyes open
From now on 

But it's a new day from now on
And which case I won't wonder
When Monday's gone
If Tuesday's coming
It's a new day from now on 

New day from now on
And this time I won't wonder
From dusk till dawn
If a new day's coming
It's new day from now on