Thursday, April 12, 2007



ok, i've decided.. some stuff.. IT DOESN'T MATTER JUST GO HERE!!!


1. scroll down to the bottom of the page,
2. look at the thing that says "these are my linkies, they portal you (fun, fun, fun)!
4. click on the very first one


go to my profile and go down to the bottom and click the one that doesn't say half a lemon panda

ok? there are other ways to get there, but i know some of you are challenged (don't worry, i still love you, and remember, i understand.) and so i'm just shoving it in your faces.. capisce?

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 19: your sucking my life.. slimeball. get away!

i've been feeling really good lately. life is good. love is good. you are good. i am good. oh, goody! no but really, i have. like really strong and really confident and proud of myself... just stella.

i was coming back, coming back strong and beautifully. it was at its peak now. i thought we could sit and rest there for a while..

but suddenly..

we tipped, and we go back down the hill. i'm gone. people start weighing me down, and putting me down. whining in my ears, "if you hadn't done it in the first place..", being so.. blasted pounding. screwed in a vice. i feel so shoved down by them. ground into the dirt, where before, before i was soaring ever higher.

but now..

i was feeling so empowered, filled with good energy. but now its.. zapped. poof. byebye.

i wish i could go back. i'm suffocating in the dingy, sleazy, screwy air filling my lungs. i want to go away, anywhere away.. just to feel that again. i need to get away. i need to be myself again.

i need me.

Friday, April 6, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 18, pt 2: and now what?

ok.. i need to continue from yesterday.. this'll just take a sec. i just need to voice what i'm a-thinking. ok maybe i shouldn't have said anything, cuz now i see just how uncomfortable we both are. it seems... i just don't know. i don't understand. can't you just say something, anything at all? it doesn't have to be what i want to hear, but if it just gets resolved and we can move on, that will be enough. won't it? i... don't know how far i can go, or how quickly i can stop.. but if you hold me back or help me break free then at least we can breathe again, right? i just wanna be able to see it. the more i spin, the faster i go, the dizzier i get.. i'm getting sicker and sicker. i need you to stop me. tell me what it is. please...

Thursday, April 5, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 18: dizzy feelings/ over my head (cable car)

ok, i know once you read these lyrics, you're all gonna think i'm backtracking.. and i mean after that post yesterday.. its kinda.. well, backwards. so uhm.. lemme explain.

ok so i got a tad confused today with you there and my feelings for you, everything was really twisty (hormones, hnh.), and i was just sorta. .C. .O. .N. .F. .U. .S. .E. .D... again! lemme tell ya, it is getting OLD. but hey? who isn't confused..? i mean really. so i.. here. just read em, they pretty much describe what i be feeling. okie?

Over My Head (Cable Car)
The Fray

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm in over...

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

ok? so i.. just know that.. i don't know a thing here. i don't know what's going down. i don't know your feelings. i don't know what on earth i'm feeling. i don't know where this is going, and even where we've been seems a bit hazy.

i'm confused, everything i see makes me confused, every look you send me, every signal, every lack thereof, sends me into a warped shade of confusion. its like both of us are so, so clueless. of what moves to make, what we should give, what we should take, where to go and how to get there. so cluelessly confused. ugh.

its like i'm spinning, twirling, and everything is whirling into a million shapes, sparks, leaving every sign out of focus, out of me. and i hate to say this, but i don't know which way i like better. its like i'm running again, but not running from my fears, but from all true clarity. but maybe that is a major fear of mine. seeing straight. or maybe i'm not, maybe its all just eluding me.. but its prolly just me.

i don't know what i want here. not at all. i think i want you. but when i'm with you, i get so... confused. i don't know what i want, don't know what i need, and if they correspond at all. i think i see the same fear/longing/displacement/dizzyness in your eyes, but then i look again... and i..

dizzy in what, though? dizzy in dispair? dizzy in hope? dizzy in envy? dizzy in yearning? dizzy in disgust? dizzy in love?

dizzy, dizzy, dizzy.

i just can't see it, give me a sign, straigten me out, hold me tight and... keep me from spinning away..

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 17: nothing for it/back into life

nothing to show for, nothing to hide. nothing to stay for, nothing to run from. nobody have i lost, no one have i found. no one to turn to, no one to cringe from. no one to share with, no one to steal from. no one to hold, no one to hurt. nothing to be proud of, no reason to feel ashamed. no reason to, no reason not to. except all that i have done. except all that i have been. except all that i have felt. except all those that i have loved, scarred, lifted, hit, held, burned, healed.

in my shame, in my guilt, in my fleeing, in my flailing, in my solitude, in my hate, in my twilight, i am dying... i am blinded by these insecurites. i am letting myself fail, letting myself be destroyed, letting myself be trampled. have i given up? have i blown out the light by my sighs? what is left..?

in my pride, in my confidence, in my healing, in my lifting, in my sharing, in my compassion, in my luminescence, i am alive! i can see, i can breathe again, i can dance, i can shine. glow..! i am strong, i can go on, i can live and help others live. i am freed. hope pulses through me, flowing with my blood, dancing, moving, spreading.

who am i becoming? who have i become? who was i? who am i? do i have control here? should i keep letting myself go, wait for the maturity to arrive? is that how i learn, grow, change, thrive? how do i..?

i know what i can be. i know what i am being. i know what i want to be. i know what i should be. but why can't i? the only one holding me back is...


why can't i..

be the strongest i can be?
be the brightest i can be?
be the most compassionate i can be?
be the most hopeful i can be?
be the most confident i can be?
be the most loving i can be?
be the most alive..


nothing can hold me back, except myself. nothing! nothing. nothing... nothing?

its coming back.. the doubt. the fear. the misgivings. the misguidings. the mistakes. the mis-me. the wrong.

i can do this... but i don't think i can alone.

maybe i shouldn't have to. i never have to be alone. actually, i NEVER am.

NEVER ALONE. i've got this. i'm going to make it out. make it out alive. i won't let this win. i won't be beat. not with you by my side. and i know, i know you aren't leaving. i know you won't leave, not as love has molded us. not as love is molding us. not as love will mold us.

we will work for this change. we will work to breathe me back.

back into life.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

beautiful disaster

ok, ok, ok. i know and you know, we all know, that i am not that huge of a fan for POP music. right? well ok, forgive me for a sec as i have found one that is almost ok (ok, its kinda good, i'll admit..). see it was just the free single of the week on itunes, and i was like why not? sooooo i downloaded it. the lyrics are a tad sappy/cheesy, buuuuuut what can you expect? i mean seriously, it IS pop.. ok so here i'll give you the lyrics..

beautiful disaster
jon mclaughlin

she loves her momma's lemonade
hates the sounds that goodbyes make
she prays one day she'll find someone to need her
she swears there's no difference between the lies and compliments
it's all the same if everybody leaves her

and all the magazines tells her she's not good enough
the pictures that she sees makes her cry

she would change everything, everything, just ask her
caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
she just needs someone to take her home

she's giving boys what they want
trying to act so nonchalant
afraid to see that she's lost her direction
she never stays the same for long
assuming that she'll get it wrong
perfect only in her imperfection

she's not a drama queen
she doesn't wanna feel this way
only 17 and tired, yeah

she would change everything for happy ever after
caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
she just needs someone to take her home

she's just the way she is
but no one's told her that's okay

she would change everything, everything, just ask her
caught in the in between of beautiful disaster

she would change everything for happy ever after
caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
she just needs someone to take her home
she just needs someone to take her home

Sunday, April 1, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 16: too much to remember

its all too much. everything draws me back there. every single thing. all together, too. it all thrusts me back.

every sound i hear, pounding through my ears, echoes your laugh, your fury; every sound they voice, becomes yours.

every thing i see is your own work, your own sense reflected upon it. and as i see it, my eyes blur in rememberence.

every smell pervading me, entering me, is yours. one more whiff and i might fall apart, your glorious scent, is all that is here.

just one touch, all of your warmth unto me, into me. lighting me up, stirring, pulsing, burning. all i can feel, all yours.

even taste, i can even taste you. here its no surprise, here it is done, and it is okay, our sharing. its not so bad.

i need to forget.

too much, too strong, too true, too alive.
its all here.
and it is too much.
only as we reflect.
life brings us wholly together, wholly wonderful.

but no.

it is too spirited.
we live and it is good.

but no.

not when we come back.
back to the present,
back to the dishonesty, back to the infidelity, back to the envy, back to their stares.
is it too much for you?
in their eyes?
is it all too much to have done?

i need to forget.

maybe its all too there.. too there to forget.
maybe we shouldn't. shouldn't forget.
maybe we need to remember.
maybe we need to welcome it. welcome it as it is too strong to push away.

take it in.
breathe it in.

and maybe we can make new memories.
breathe together again.

fully there.
fully being.
fully breathing.

a love.


maybe we can be strong again.

just us. together.

together we can be strong.