Thursday, April 12, 2007



ok, i've decided.. some stuff.. IT DOESN'T MATTER JUST GO HERE!!!


1. scroll down to the bottom of the page,
2. look at the thing that says "these are my linkies, they portal you (fun, fun, fun)!
4. click on the very first one


go to my profile and go down to the bottom and click the one that doesn't say half a lemon panda

ok? there are other ways to get there, but i know some of you are challenged (don't worry, i still love you, and remember, i understand.) and so i'm just shoving it in your faces.. capisce?

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 19: your sucking my life.. slimeball. get away!

i've been feeling really good lately. life is good. love is good. you are good. i am good. oh, goody! no but really, i have. like really strong and really confident and proud of myself... just stella.

i was coming back, coming back strong and beautifully. it was at its peak now. i thought we could sit and rest there for a while..

but suddenly..

we tipped, and we go back down the hill. i'm gone. people start weighing me down, and putting me down. whining in my ears, "if you hadn't done it in the first place..", being so.. blasted pounding. screwed in a vice. i feel so shoved down by them. ground into the dirt, where before, before i was soaring ever higher.

but now..

i was feeling so empowered, filled with good energy. but now its.. zapped. poof. byebye.

i wish i could go back. i'm suffocating in the dingy, sleazy, screwy air filling my lungs. i want to go away, anywhere away.. just to feel that again. i need to get away. i need to be myself again.

i need me.

Friday, April 6, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 18, pt 2: and now what?

ok.. i need to continue from yesterday.. this'll just take a sec. i just need to voice what i'm a-thinking. ok maybe i shouldn't have said anything, cuz now i see just how uncomfortable we both are. it seems... i just don't know. i don't understand. can't you just say something, anything at all? it doesn't have to be what i want to hear, but if it just gets resolved and we can move on, that will be enough. won't it? i... don't know how far i can go, or how quickly i can stop.. but if you hold me back or help me break free then at least we can breathe again, right? i just wanna be able to see it. the more i spin, the faster i go, the dizzier i get.. i'm getting sicker and sicker. i need you to stop me. tell me what it is. please...

Thursday, April 5, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 18: dizzy feelings/ over my head (cable car)

ok, i know once you read these lyrics, you're all gonna think i'm backtracking.. and i mean after that post yesterday.. its kinda.. well, backwards. so uhm.. lemme explain.

ok so i got a tad confused today with you there and my feelings for you, everything was really twisty (hormones, hnh.), and i was just sorta. .C. .O. .N. .F. .U. .S. .E. .D... again! lemme tell ya, it is getting OLD. but hey? who isn't confused..? i mean really. so i.. here. just read em, they pretty much describe what i be feeling. okie?

Over My Head (Cable Car)
The Fray

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm in over...

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

ok? so i.. just know that.. i don't know a thing here. i don't know what's going down. i don't know your feelings. i don't know what on earth i'm feeling. i don't know where this is going, and even where we've been seems a bit hazy.

i'm confused, everything i see makes me confused, every look you send me, every signal, every lack thereof, sends me into a warped shade of confusion. its like both of us are so, so clueless. of what moves to make, what we should give, what we should take, where to go and how to get there. so cluelessly confused. ugh.

its like i'm spinning, twirling, and everything is whirling into a million shapes, sparks, leaving every sign out of focus, out of me. and i hate to say this, but i don't know which way i like better. its like i'm running again, but not running from my fears, but from all true clarity. but maybe that is a major fear of mine. seeing straight. or maybe i'm not, maybe its all just eluding me.. but its prolly just me.

i don't know what i want here. not at all. i think i want you. but when i'm with you, i get so... confused. i don't know what i want, don't know what i need, and if they correspond at all. i think i see the same fear/longing/displacement/dizzyness in your eyes, but then i look again... and i..

dizzy in what, though? dizzy in dispair? dizzy in hope? dizzy in envy? dizzy in yearning? dizzy in disgust? dizzy in love?

dizzy, dizzy, dizzy.

i just can't see it, give me a sign, straigten me out, hold me tight and... keep me from spinning away..

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 17: nothing for it/back into life

nothing to show for, nothing to hide. nothing to stay for, nothing to run from. nobody have i lost, no one have i found. no one to turn to, no one to cringe from. no one to share with, no one to steal from. no one to hold, no one to hurt. nothing to be proud of, no reason to feel ashamed. no reason to, no reason not to. except all that i have done. except all that i have been. except all that i have felt. except all those that i have loved, scarred, lifted, hit, held, burned, healed.

in my shame, in my guilt, in my fleeing, in my flailing, in my solitude, in my hate, in my twilight, i am dying... i am blinded by these insecurites. i am letting myself fail, letting myself be destroyed, letting myself be trampled. have i given up? have i blown out the light by my sighs? what is left..?

in my pride, in my confidence, in my healing, in my lifting, in my sharing, in my compassion, in my luminescence, i am alive! i can see, i can breathe again, i can dance, i can shine. glow..! i am strong, i can go on, i can live and help others live. i am freed. hope pulses through me, flowing with my blood, dancing, moving, spreading.

who am i becoming? who have i become? who was i? who am i? do i have control here? should i keep letting myself go, wait for the maturity to arrive? is that how i learn, grow, change, thrive? how do i..?

i know what i can be. i know what i am being. i know what i want to be. i know what i should be. but why can't i? the only one holding me back is...


why can't i..

be the strongest i can be?
be the brightest i can be?
be the most compassionate i can be?
be the most hopeful i can be?
be the most confident i can be?
be the most loving i can be?
be the most alive..


nothing can hold me back, except myself. nothing! nothing. nothing... nothing?

its coming back.. the doubt. the fear. the misgivings. the misguidings. the mistakes. the mis-me. the wrong.

i can do this... but i don't think i can alone.

maybe i shouldn't have to. i never have to be alone. actually, i NEVER am.

NEVER ALONE. i've got this. i'm going to make it out. make it out alive. i won't let this win. i won't be beat. not with you by my side. and i know, i know you aren't leaving. i know you won't leave, not as love has molded us. not as love is molding us. not as love will mold us.

we will work for this change. we will work to breathe me back.

back into life.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

beautiful disaster

ok, ok, ok. i know and you know, we all know, that i am not that huge of a fan for POP music. right? well ok, forgive me for a sec as i have found one that is almost ok (ok, its kinda good, i'll admit..). see it was just the free single of the week on itunes, and i was like why not? sooooo i downloaded it. the lyrics are a tad sappy/cheesy, buuuuuut what can you expect? i mean seriously, it IS pop.. ok so here i'll give you the lyrics..

beautiful disaster
jon mclaughlin

she loves her momma's lemonade
hates the sounds that goodbyes make
she prays one day she'll find someone to need her
she swears there's no difference between the lies and compliments
it's all the same if everybody leaves her

and all the magazines tells her she's not good enough
the pictures that she sees makes her cry

she would change everything, everything, just ask her
caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
she just needs someone to take her home

she's giving boys what they want
trying to act so nonchalant
afraid to see that she's lost her direction
she never stays the same for long
assuming that she'll get it wrong
perfect only in her imperfection

she's not a drama queen
she doesn't wanna feel this way
only 17 and tired, yeah

she would change everything for happy ever after
caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
she just needs someone to take her home

she's just the way she is
but no one's told her that's okay

she would change everything, everything, just ask her
caught in the in between of beautiful disaster

she would change everything for happy ever after
caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
she just needs someone to take her home
she just needs someone to take her home

Sunday, April 1, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 16: too much to remember

its all too much. everything draws me back there. every single thing. all together, too. it all thrusts me back.

every sound i hear, pounding through my ears, echoes your laugh, your fury; every sound they voice, becomes yours.

every thing i see is your own work, your own sense reflected upon it. and as i see it, my eyes blur in rememberence.

every smell pervading me, entering me, is yours. one more whiff and i might fall apart, your glorious scent, is all that is here.

just one touch, all of your warmth unto me, into me. lighting me up, stirring, pulsing, burning. all i can feel, all yours.

even taste, i can even taste you. here its no surprise, here it is done, and it is okay, our sharing. its not so bad.

i need to forget.

too much, too strong, too true, too alive.
its all here.
and it is too much.
only as we reflect.
life brings us wholly together, wholly wonderful.

but no.

it is too spirited.
we live and it is good.

but no.

not when we come back.
back to the present,
back to the dishonesty, back to the infidelity, back to the envy, back to their stares.
is it too much for you?
in their eyes?
is it all too much to have done?

i need to forget.

maybe its all too there.. too there to forget.
maybe we shouldn't. shouldn't forget.
maybe we need to remember.
maybe we need to welcome it. welcome it as it is too strong to push away.

take it in.
breathe it in.

and maybe we can make new memories.
breathe together again.

fully there.
fully being.
fully breathing.

a love.


maybe we can be strong again.

just us. together.

together we can be strong.

Friday, March 30, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 15: love me true

hey peoples.. ok, i'm doing a bit better, not much, but still. thank you, thank you, thank you for just being there for me, i can't thank you enough. thanks, my loves. you don't know how much you mean to me.

ahaha, how sappy/soppy/soapy, i'll stop. nah, but really, you mean so much to me. you don't even know.

its weird how much, while i'm at that place i call school, my soul is absent. its like that place is sucking out my soul or "squelching my spirit" as gini said. i just.. can't breathe there. at all. its killing me bit by bit. and see i'm so sure that place is why i am so faded, so blanched, because i feel so constricted there, and the second school's out i feel i can soar. i'm free and nothing, NOTHING is holding me back.

wow this is getting really, unnaturally sappy. blechk. besides, i actually was coming to post about something.. hmm.. OH! yes..


i know i have probably discussed this with some of you, as it has been discussed with me (thanks, mom. ehehhe.) but just writing it down keeps it there, and i can't trust all of you with your skills at recollection. or whatever. ok to the point!

many people act, right? i mean like take action, there are a few who just.. don't. but most of those are dead. anyways, there tend to be two motives in a situation you are in with someone you care for, i mean in situations with someone you don't like.. you just a) ignore 'em, b) glare/stare 'em down, c) fight 'em, or... whatever i've forgotten. but THAT is not the point. we're talking about actions we take in a situation with people we actually LIKE! ok? stay focused!

so in those situations, we either take action through feelings of a) love or b) guilt. right? so like when someone says, "i will be here for you," you might ask (probably in your head..) "WHY?" [and i mean, if you both love each other enough, you will prolly get to the point of full on trust (thats always good.) and you really won't wonder at all, cuz i mean, duh! you love each other enough. hnh.] but otherwise, you can always wonder, right? and like.. if you are feeling low on self restraint and you just must ask, "WHY?!" they might reply a) "why wouldn't i?/ i'm here for you. always./ i am trying, we are working, we will fix you/etc."(any or all of 'em), or b) i felt bad cuz.../ i thought i owed you/ well you did and i just didn't react, so i felt bad/etc." (again, any or all of 'em). and i mean, if the people truly feel that they have been indebted so far into the other's love or care, then repaying the debt to bring them up to that equality is all good. so yeah...

i have learned that its better to do things out of love than guilt. cuz it just is. more positive, more passionate, more honest. i mean love should replace guilt, it eliminates the guilt, sends it away, heals it, no? and so its just more wholesome, for ourselves, for them. i mean we shouldn't stay in relationships if its all for the other person, nothing for ourselves, just cuz we don't wanna hurt them. we shouldn't heal or help or solve because their pain makes us feel sick, and we just wanna get rid of the pain, but we barely know who we're fixing.

so see? doesn't that just make sense? to take action through love for another, rather than to only repay debts, because debt shouldn't be a huge, dragging problem, for if the person you are healing loves you and is welcome to your help, the debt should be mostly pardoned, right? you are equals. love is equal. so what is the deal?

Monday, March 26, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 14: what have i done?


i feel so idiotic. worthless..

i keep going down, in grades.. in everything. and not just in the stupid, humdrum, everyday crap, but in the extra stuff, in my privileges allowing me to get ahead. its all tumbling down. and i know, i know that here, here is something no one can do anything more about. nothing more. this is my duty, it is my education. and i can no longer wait, can not waste these next 3 months, humming to myself and whispering none of this matters.. none at all. i can't because some of it is not nothing, some of it i can't ignore and take it for granted. it is an advancement for me, and i can't afford to get behind.

during my free period today my english teacher gave us a prompt for our journal, a prompt that i will not be able to write, not if i want to stay dry. oh, no. he asked us, all of us, how we have changed this year, postitively or negatively. how we, ourselves see our changes. changes in academic and personal areas, and how they affect us, how we feel about them. he asked how others have seen us change this year, and how they feel and how our changes have affected them. and what we can do to change, and what we will.

so i thought about this a while. i know i have changed. a lot. and right now i feel as if it was all negative, all these problems at school, all this bitterness between friends, my parents, and i, they are all i can see. nothing i have done can possibly rule them out. nothing at all. i know people have seen me too, they are worried, i am not who i was. i know i have not pleased them, not pleased anyone. how can i have like this? too many mistakes.. too many failings. how can this be changed? accepted? forgiven? forgotten?

i immediately burst into tears. i tried to cover it up. cover it in my arms. as i had gotten myself i little back up, my friends came in and asked if they could borrow me for a project in the other class, the second i got out of that classroom i broke down. i swear i started sobbing, it wasn't any old tears coming down my cheeks, i was sobbing. full on sobbing.

i got to forget a bit, block it out, while working on the project. i could laugh, but it wasn't truly happy, there was still underlying bitterness and despair. always.

i don't remember the last time i honestly laughed.

sometimes i start to feel too much, feel too strongly/harshly/passionately about something, and i hit a point where i can't any more. no more feeling can i let in. i feel no more.
i went into one of those things after troublings..

first: uncontrollable hyperness
second: that sorta dumbstruck/blank/numb place
third: i eventually got jolted back into wanting to feel again drawn through their laughter
fourth: the place where i could talk about it
fifth: into the depression again smashing all areas of my life.

i know many of those who are reading this have seen/felt/heard me in one of these places. i am so sorry. its not meant for you. i still love you, all of you. please take me back...

Saturday, March 24, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 13: don't need fancy when funky's good enough (feel real to me)

rats! every time..

ok, so its like, i read these lyrics and they are like AMAZING and i just... am wowed. i mean, how can they write stuff like that? its just so purely original and they don't need any fancy words when funky's good enough. and the placement seems real, its all so there, when we feel we aren't, it brings us back. back into feeling.

the district sleeps alone tonight
the postal service

Smeared black ink... your palms are sweaty
And I'm barely listening to last demands
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath
Where I am
Where I am

I'll wear my badge... a vinyl sticker with big block letters adherent to my chest
That tells your new friends I am a visitor here...
I am not permanent
And the only thing keeping me dry is
Where I am
Where I am
Where I am

You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving

D.C. sleeps alone tonight

Where I am
Where I am
Where I am

You seem so so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seing
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving

Where I am
Where I am
Where I am

The district sleeps alone tonight after the bars turn out their lights
And send the autos swerving into the loneliest evening
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving

and when i say my art is going byebye, that is what i mean, i can't do that, maybe i never could. but i feel vacant, vacant of anything real.

just filled with like beans. bean brain. fooey. gooey. bluey. mooey.

gini said something so perfect yesterday. it made so much sense. it was about

"squelched spirits."

and thats what it is. this feeling.

but i mean, maybe i just don't have it. (i know you have felt this, jordan.) but maybe i just haven't discovered it yet. art. passion. no, wait. i have felt both. i have seen/smelt/tasted/felt/heard art, in his eyes, that cupcake in a cone, the cracks in the sidewalk, the energy pulsing through your fingers. (it just doesn't fly.. off aerodynamics) and i am brimming with passions. sorta chaotic. just in waves of chaoticism. (theres a lemon crammed in my soda. did i put it there? does it just come that way? cruddy lemons. well, no. maybe they add that pucker, a bit of mischief in this bubbly world. if any of those words describe any of those words i just put them to describe. pucker:mischief::bubbly:world. sure!)

ANYways. back to those lyrics that whack me back. look.

i want so badly to believe that there is truth, that love is real
and i want life in every word to the extent that its absurd
i know your wise beyond your years but do you ever get the feeling
your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to to help you get by?
-"Clark Gable"
The Postal Service

i mean, ya feelin me? c'mon now.

and WHY can't i? i'm just trying too hard. i am. its like i can't think freely there, like i can on this blog. freedom in poetry.. (how metamorphic.) its zooming by, and i can't catch it.

i just watched DEAD POET'S SOCIETY and its blastingly potent, and it washes you in sepia tones and you can feel it drenching you. i can feel it. but i can't get in it. it still doesn't feel real to me now. its that aged thing. sepia tones, i'm telling you. its glorious to watch though. painfully splendid.

i can't get there. i want to be there. maybe its not somewhere i need to go, maybe its already upon me. i've walked into it, but its so enlightenlingly glow-y, i can't see it yet, still a tad blind.

always a tad blind. but not as bad as smidgey puppies..

Thursday, March 22, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 12: C-O-N--F-U-S-E-D.

i don't understand. nothing computes. confused to tears.

"fusion" means putting things together. the prefix "con" means against, or not with. thus "con-fusion" means not connecting, basically. two thoughts not connecting, conjuncting to create one thing. not fusing together to form a wholistic thought.

i am confused. but instead of minor forms of confusion, mine is echoing out. symbolizing itself on our bodies, on our minds. our very souls will not match up. and i don't understand.

whizzing by, passing by.
through empty space
and empty time.
i follow along with my eyes
but its too late, its all long gone.
that sense of knowing what to know
of knowing when its all too fast.
i can't keep up, theres no slowing down.
and all i find is what won't last.


ok in a situation, sometimes people are like "something is missing.." and everyone else is like "ooooh! what could it be?!", in other situations its like "ok, in our relationship i'm not feeling your love. its missing." and the others are like "yeah. maybe cuz i don't love you." (ok, forgive the hideously lame example. LoL that is the WORST example i've ever made. savor it. hnh.) and so EVERYONE knows whats missing, they just don't know where/how to get it. bumma for that couple of example 2! but like, y'know? you know what you need but you JUST CAN'T FIND IT!!! erg..! the AGONY!

confused. confusing. confuser. connyfusy. C-O-N-F-U-S-I-O-N.

i don't get it. how can you?

WHY am i confused? IS THAT what your asking? DO you really wanna know? READ MY LAST POST. AND THE ONE BEFORE!!!

i'm sorry. i just don't understand. how can this be? what have i done? agh..

this life in my pocket: issue 11: tinted windows

i don't wanna post because then all of yous will believe me to be complaining, or asking for help, as always. or you guys will all try to change they way you are just so i won't feel the way i feel. don't. change for you.

i feel so distrusted. like.. agh. what can i do? a lot of people expect me to trust them, and i mean i do, and i couldn't be more thankful that they allow me to, but.. agh. i mean.. what more can i do for them to trust me? to want to trust me? its part of the deal, but they still don't, they run away back to the people that are stronger. am i really that weak? it hurts me for their lack of trust. and i just keep hearing, "i do trust you.. with some stuff..." and like.. they expect me to still trust them, when i only know who they are through what they have done for me, but i don't even know what they, and the people around them, are up to. i don't know them, and they won't let me. i can't help like this. and thats all i really want. but their confidence in me is faltering, and i just..

"i will always be there for you," really isn't meaning anything. nothing at all if you won't confide. i won't make you, when you are so obviously resisting, but i just wanna know why. do you not wanna hurt me? do you think i am too insecure? will i just make you worse? its what i tend to do, isn't it? i just.. its like..

i don't even know you. not like this.

i can't ask you to open up, because you are. just not to me.

tinted windows. you can see out, out into me. but i can't see in, are you still even there? hiding yourself. checking on me. what if i closed up again too? just so we could be even in this game of deception. just so we could be even.

do you realize how much you're hurting me? do you realize that all i ever wanted.. is forbidden because you worry too much. worry to hurt me, worry to hurt yourself, worry that i won't hear you.

how about i try a vow of silence? and i will wait. wait til you are ready. wait til you can talk. all i will do is listen.

all i will do is listen.

but does that make me just like you? no. no because i know i still can. i know i still can speak.

i will wait for you. i will listen.

Monday, March 19, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 10: (!!!)

no more "breaking free"
whatever that was. its more
like breaking down now..

i feel so messed up,
so malfunction-y, just failed.
i keep screwing up,

and i can't stop it.
downward spiraling... but not
happy roller coaster ones,

no "WHEE-DE-WHOOP!!!" just
more of an "AGHHHhhhh..!". and i can't
stop, reality's twisting

and i don't know how
to look at it, everything
seems warped and whitewashed.

"You see the smile that's on my mouth
Is hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through but you do
And I was made for you..."
-"The Story"
Brandi Carlile

i just.. keep faltering, and i'm making everyone
stressed and
depressed just spreading my
mess. i keep on scarring the
blessed, ruining the
rest. there seems to be
rest when the
mess is in my mind and on my heart
confessed from my lips to your
best love, warm on my eyes burning away the
stress of the
mess, until you leave and i am here. still fully
dressed but naked all the same, like the
rest. but in the dark, it is the
best, when we can't see the love mingling with confusion, we can just
rest, together as one, melting the
mess away, to leave with the
stress. the soft
press of your hand against my hair. holding back the
mess, the
stress, both of us, our presence and His keeping us from being
depressed, just us,
blessed, in this time of

the sobs and the tears
don't cover up whats here.
and i see it like this, and i know it is so
and the more i look at it

the more i wish i was blind.

the words aren't for me
said by me, lent to me,
but as i hear your voices,
switching and light,

i wish i was deaf.

tears come rolling down my cheeks
bitter when they reach my mouth,
for they went down many sorrowful roads,
the taste that they bring is rotten and sore,

i wish i could taste no more.

your body pressed against mine,
leaning there, strong and warm,
i don't want to depend so much, but as i turn cold
i need you, yet i still i get up to leave,

i wish i couldn't feel, feel this emptiness.

your hair and your hands,
my home and the absence
wrapped in that scent,
replaced by new grass, i want it back.

but with these new breaths, i don't want to smell any more.

a new sense, powerful as anything,
bringing home love and hate,
the passions shatter me,
i know you can feel it too, and where will it lead us?

keep this constant feeling, i cannot let go.

a wreck. holding myself. don't let them fall away. don't let them in. hold myself. hold together.

absence. abyss. abs. ABC, easy as 1 2 3. NEVER!

senses, fail me. fail me please. hold me back. lead me back. back there. back.


brain hurts. reeling. film. short film. come to me. lay by me. we will hold each other. someone to hold. for both of us. both of us. both of us.


you promised. i promised. i am here. i am here. you are not leaving. you promised. but have you gone? i want that feeling back. it was mine. it was ours. i want. i want. i am not.

MARIANNE: if his present regrets are half as painful as mine he will suffer enough.
ELINOR: do you compare your conduct with his?
MARIANNE: no. i compare it with what it ought to have been. i compare it with yours.


me and you. we must hold on to each other. we must. we must. you were right all along. all along. always.

the frogs. the frogs. hold on to good friends. remember the frogs. and their words.

let us. let us. drop our ice cream. wave our spoons. let us. drop it off a bridge. save me, cherry garcia. lets save it. it fell off the bridge. it is still okay. its better this way. actually.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

death cab for cutie: "soul meets body"

sigh. what loveliness, i can't help myself.

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

I cannot guess what we'll discover
We turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body

I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Monday, March 12, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 9: breaking free (?)

i have nothing to post.

LIES! i have lots to post, but again, nothing will fit into the words or images, or maybe i just don't want them too. reminds me of thinking. blast. this is why i can't write anymore, its been too long, too much has happened. see, noah? hmmm?
blechk, what is the point of this post? maybe its like carving, you see some figure trying to break free and come alive outside the wood, and as you slice away the wood and splinters, it becomes sorta beautiful. not that i carve. i guess that goes for lots of things, not the lack of carving, but once someone comes to cut them out to freedom, they become beautiful.. or at least beautiful to the carver/molder person. is that enough?

for another question, so we really need that much? can you carve yourself? if we can't, are we really that different from blocks of wood, spare lumber, and logs? we're all the same. i mean, i'm not the same as you, and you're not the same as her, and he's not the same as that elephant, but we're all the same, we're all stuck here, waiting for someone to carve us out. can't we all just see ourselves singing "Finally yes! Finally now! Finally something takes me away, Finally free! Finally he can cut through these strings And open my wings!"*?

and i mean, c'mon now, what're we waiting for, are we THAT challenged that we have to wait on our shining knights to steal us away from these towers? do we have to wait for someone to come on over and open us up, clean up our wounds, sew us up, just so we can run again? do we have to wait for the daylight to be able to see? do we have to wait to fall off a cliff and be saved by some mage, just to be loved? do we have to die to live? do i just have to write this post so someone will listen? do we really need to do all that, just to be alive and free? (why am i asking this, is this what my mind's even on?) are we really that co-dependent? can we survive alone? should we try? would we even dare..?

this isn't making sense. i might post later, when actual fully formed ideas and words can come to mind. but then again, maybe not.

but hey, one more idea. this sorta has to do with this other thing i've been thinking about. the thing that our lives don't start when we get in to some school, when we turn 16, when we get smiled at by some person, when we fall in love, when we learn this new skill, when we get some thing, when.. you get the point. so yeah, life isn't gonna START for you in one of these situations, sure it'll CHANGE, but i mean you can't just wait for life to begin, you can't tell when it'll start or end, we're just flecks in the system called "life" and it is not up to us.. where it goes. do what you want, you can wait... and wait, but life ain't waiting up for you, its gonna keep on going.. whos gonna miss it?

*"goodbye until tomorrow/i could never rescue you" from "the last 5 years"

did i really need to put that, i mean did any of you really notice the "*" up there? no, i doubt it.. how excessive.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 8: getting back on track.. WHEEEEE!

i have a tremendous bruise on my leg. its a nice fine shade of GREY, with happy indigo spots.. its from playing brutal soccer, its not that hard, the chicks CRUSH the dudes, everytime, no duh. but its rough, i fall over constantly and i like while i'm down anyone in the zone of my ginormous kicking range gets knocked down too, and unfortunately for them, they have to get dirty (don't we all) and unfortunately for me, i get LANDED ON. but its really all good, cuz i haven't had this much fun playing soccer in like forever and a day. WHEEEEEE! speaking of WHEEEEE! me and jacob were making paper boats in free period, and it had four windows and it was called (guess what..) WHEEEEE! and then he was drawing this guy getting shot by this little other guy and like he was gushing red stuff from his side, but me, promoting non-violence, as i am, just HAD to make the guy who was gushing eat a strawberry jelly sandwich and the stuff on his side coulda been jelly, the sandwich was dripping enough. but THEN what to do with the lil shooting guy?! BUILD A WALL! and so i drew a wall, ehehe, and the dude was shooting ducks outta his lill gun, and they were launching off the walls, YAY! so thats me and non-violence, but i also gotta share the love, right? so i took bites outta chris's cupcake in a cone, and it was good, and then i almost sat on jordan, cuz he was feeling all depressed, and it was good, and then i said hi to nick like 3 times, and it was good, then i said good game to patrick, and it was good, then i ate a cookie for mr. desal, and it was good, then i told michele not to light anymore matches, cuz it was my idea, and i can't have her getting in trouble for my pyromania, right? no, indeed. so it was all good, i prolly spread some more love buuuuuuuuut, being the verrrrrrrrrrrry loving person that i am, i can't remember all those good deeds.. ehehe, nah, not thaaaaaat wonderful.
and omg, did i tell you?!?! CLAIRES COMING!!! WHOO HOO! this i'll be so radical (ehe, radical..) and i am so excited, i might even go for a bikeride..! ooooh, who wants to come?!

Monday, March 5, 2007

coldplay: "sparks"

an apology, in words that i could never write. an apology, in words that i could never place, if not for them, if not for these. why do i keep going back? what keeps this from ceasing to exist? tension.. tension, and i don't know where, but i will break it any way i can...

Did I drive you away?
I know what you'll say
You'll say, "Oh, sing one we know"
But I promise you this
I'll always look out for you
That's what I'll do

I say "oh"
I say "oh"

My heart is yours
It's you that I hold on to
That's what I do
And I know I was wrong
But I won't let you down
(Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah I will, yes I will…)

I said "oh"
I cry "oh"

Yeah I saw sparks
Yeah I saw sparks
And I saw sparks
Yeah I saw sparks
Singing out

La, la, la, la, oh…
La, la, la, la, oh…
La, la, la, la, oh…
La, la, la, la, oh…

Saturday, March 3, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 7: lost between good and... not so good

yes, yes, my loves, i beith posting AGAIN! but like, its all in good time, all in good time, haven't posted for a while, 6 days, i do believe... i have so much to post on, so, so much, but through all of it, i just don't know what to say, no words are matching up with my overwheming feelings. to speak the truth, nothing is really matching up with these feelings, i don't really want anything to have to, but it means less understanding.. AGAIN..
so in all of this--no i guess because of this (or would it be this is because...??)-- there is that blood curdling sense of chaos, of fear, because i don't know how to stop it, i don't know what to do, i'm outta control, and there is absolutely nothing in my way, nothing to keep me from this lack of mental composure.. blechk.
i just... i dunno, events led up to this, but the more and more i talk about it, the more i hear myself, the more i know how wrong i was, how wrong all of this was, and how lost i feel. lost meaning: not understanding what the hell is going on, people not understanding whats going on, and i mean, how can they, when i can't communicate, when i am stuck in this standstill of misunderstandings? these feelings that nothing is stopping me is getting me more and more stuck in this ditch of desperation, i can;t even stop.. me. and thats really scary...
and like nothing is clicking.. when people tell me what would be wise and safe to do, i just am like "aiite... sounds good!" but i have no way of registering that in my mind, and i have no sense of knowledge when i should apply that and when i shouldn't. its like "thinking before you act/speak" has like no.. effect, no meaning. i feel caged.. and however i can think to get out, i will take.. even if it means getting suspended.. i don't wanna go that way, it makes me feel just plain sick.. and i hate myself for that.
but maybe i just don't wanna take advice, or be all goody-goody, with overflowing guilt when i do something wrong; maybe i don't wanna have to know the difference between right and wrong, to just have moral issues fade away; to just be able to not care anymore, it gives me... nothing.. and maybe i just want that, so i don't have to deal... but then again, i don't feel i want that, i just want out.. i wanna know whats going on, i want my control back, i want to be able to know whats good and whats not, because without it i really am nothing.. nothing but a bad reputation, but i don't wanna be that, in a world of bad reps, i wanna go against that, because then we are whole, we do what is needed and we can make people think, and remember us, without ruining their days..

omg! ok i found these lyrics (finally!) by this amazing artist ron sexsmith, and they totally describe how i'm feeling about this whole blasted school fiasco, i want out, and at last, someone has words that fit..!


Have we been blind
Have we been lied to
Best keep our eyes open
From now on
There's no peace of mind
When the war's inside you
It feels like something's broken
Something's gone

But it's a new day from now on
And this time I won't wonder
From dusk till dawn
If a new day's coming
It's a new day from now on 

We live in times
Where choice is frowned upon
Afraid to even raise
Our voice in song
Or speak our minds
For fear of falling on
The wrong side of opinion
Where has freedom gone 

But it's a new day from now on
And this time I won't wonder
From dusk till dawn
If a new day's coming
It's a new day from now on

They're in the business of panic and control
We're in the business of the heart
And of the soul

Have we been blind
Have we been lied to
Best keep our eyes open
From now on 

But it's a new day from now on
And which case I won't wonder
When Monday's gone
If Tuesday's coming
It's a new day from now on 

New day from now on
And this time I won't wonder
From dusk till dawn
If a new day's coming
It's new day from now on

Monday, February 26, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 6: the numbness and the aftermath (when will we be together?)

last nite was good, i watched the academy awards at jordans. it was magnificent, that pizza was positively bodacious, and oh! that ice cream! that was to die for. high 5 jordan..
but then i noticed about half way thru i was exhausted. and i mean, why? it was awful, and i hadn't done much of anything all day but sorta just turn myself off, just flipping that switch turned me numb ("deprived of the power of sensation"), i was just a body and some tears, that was the extent of it, nothing moved me, well maybe a lil piano, but that was all too fleeting.. but like i was seriously gone, ill, empty. and after a while, feeling started coming back, but i didn't feel good, not at all. it was just all to much, all to painful, i was just low, i was just hurting, and i felt-- alone.. and i mean i know i never truly am, but i have trouble connecting with those that are there when my eye is focused on too small a space, too limited amount of room that i want contained, that blinds me from the rest of the-- i guess, salvation that comes..
i'm not sure i'm not sure why the depression came, its just like, too much. and i'm tired, i'm tired of feeling alone, i'm tired of feeling lost, i just wanna be found, found when i can't find myself, i just wanna be held when i am weeping, held when i'm shining, and to hold, hold through it all.. i just wanna know that i am not alone in a small, vacant way.
and so now, the week is new, the week could be bright and i know someone will be here, despite... nevermind they WILL come. faith is renewed, and its stronger than abandonment, than exclusion, than betrayal. but i still have these.. i dunno, like ashes in my pancakes.. in everything good that comes, theres more just blechk along with it, and in this time, i can't see how fresh and beautiful things are without noticing that crap will be a-coming along with it, even if i can't see it, i know its there, and i can't ignore it.. i don't want to be like this, always seeing the junk in life, letting it screw up the magnificence.. like outside, in the bleak pit of our backyard, i see some grass is finally starting to burst up, and its so green and so alive and fresh, and i see it and i just want to roll around in it and let the new life envelope me.. but then i know, that just when i walk out there, i'm gonna get covered in burrs and dirt thats just hiding amongst the beauty. sigh.
but maybe we aren't meant to just ignore all this stuff thrown at us in such a rough way, or avoid it, or even just accept it as it is, in all its unpleasantness, in all its hideously depressing ways.. maybe we aren't supposed to let it dampen our lives, maybe, just maybe, we are meant to root it out, cleanse ourselves and eachother of it. and i know it seems impossible to keep coming back to this stuff with smiles on our faces, all prepared and happy to be able to rid ourselves of this horror, but if we take it as it comes, spare ourselves from the hellishness of it all and try to move on, we can learn to live a little more brightly.. we won't be alone if we all lean on each other in this battle.. but maybe we can see how much we can save together... together: not alone...

Friday, February 23, 2007

(this has nothing to do with the series) how annoying

lol, this is SO annoying! scroll down to the post between the issues 3 and 4. it is one hilarious post! go go go and enjoy!

this life in my pocket: issue 5: depressing impressions

how absurd, i'm posting all the time now, this is so _____________ (i looked up three words in the thesauraus thing: bizarre, strange, and weird, and every time it came up with the synonym of "eccentric" so i'm all, "i'll just used that word..!" but then when i type it in it looks all, like "WHAT?" sorta mad-scientisty, and idk, i just don't like it.. so insert your own word there! please, and then tell me what you put.). i'm blaming it on brian, he inspired me, and hes making my brain whirl, too many thoughts we're sharing, blechk! no wait, maybe i am rejoicing, i've needed this, i'm thanking him, he kept me from closing up... yes.. thank you, brian.
so, to the reason i titled the blog the way its titled, it ain't called "watch mackakelenzio ramble" pssssssssh! so here we are:
i've been thinking a lot about, like proving yourself or impressing people, and it really, really, REALLY just.. bugs me, how and why people do this. it brings up all this jealousy, self-consciousness, and other insubordinate feelings, and its just stupid, and i mean sure, it may get you to a level of understanding with the people like if your stuck in big bear with 5 other guys and they all think your some stupid girl but then when your on a bike ride with em and you keep them all from being lost and safely lead them home, whilst giving them an excellent workout, you develop some agreement that maybe just maybe your not as dumb as some.. and i mean, i guess thats ok, its like finally being included in a new group of kids at a new school, so it ain't bad. buuuuuuuuut, if your like losing weight to impress your life-long crush, its just like "WHY?" i mean, shouldn't it be enough to just impress yourself? make yourself feel good? cuz like your gonna have to live with yourself forever and they won't always be there and so their feelings are gonna evaporate the moment you people are out of each others lives, right?
but maybe, just maybe, i need to look at this in a more objective light, stop being that hypocritical, because maybe i'm annoyed with myself.. but recently in this new relationship thats here, i haven't tried to impress anyone, and i'm allowed to be myself, which is wonderful! and i'm so happy i have met someone who will find the good in me without my having to flounce it around in their face! i can't stop grinning! but anyways, off that little sidetrack back to the point: i don't think i'm as ticked with the proving yourself as the imressing people part, cause like, i just don't get it, even when i do it myself, it seems so sick, like shouldn't just me being proud of myself for accomplishing something be enough? i don't wanna have to tell everyone how great i am, its.. disturbing, and i know there are people out there who will see goodness in this dump of emotions i carry around, so why be talking to these other people who will just lead to my own insecurity? it doesn't make sense, but i guess we're selfish creatures, humans, and we need not just our own satisfaction and recognition to make us happy, we need everyone else's as well, why IS that?! its so uncomfortable, why do we keep trying. don't we just realize that there is somebody out there for us who will see all through all of this clutter to the clean and healthy stuff no matter what we do? the good in us will appear for them before the distrust, the evil, so why do we keep going back to these people who will just continue hurting us? its like we have some weird sense of faith, we like have faith that these people that we want to know the good in us will, and we have no faith in the fact that there IS someone who will naturally see the good without us having to brag about it to the world. its horribly backwards.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 4: behind the scenes (new connections..!)

despite the hideous lack of comments on my last post, i will continue on posting... sheesh. i was gonna post on something else, but this is fresher in my mind so, why not? i'll post about it later, never fear!
i find it really... just fantastic how like you can be indierctly telling someone something through a song or a post or a piece of paper covered in sketches and random words.. i know you can think of examples, where all the public hears a song, for instance, in one way, but the people who are singing are really doing it to just one person in the audience, one mind, and a connection occurs, some appealing realization that despite everyone else's chaos and emotion there is one reserved for you, and only you and them. this bond is amazingly strong.. but like it makes me think: what if you were really dumb, and it just flew right past us-- that happens more than we think, i know, we can be pretty dumb like that. oi..! so... communication, i resolve, is pretty weird shtuff. here, i'll explain.
well, first off i was thinking how we find it so much easier to communitcate ideas and feelings to others through writing, i mean, its so, so hard to say somethings out loud.. why IS that?! what really is the difference, is it that we don't have to see or hear their reply in its full force? are we cutting ourselves off from full interactions because we are afraid of how others will react? are we that cowardly, or has society and new technology overwhelming us AGAIN?! i mean, we will still feel the full emotion set about eventually, right..? please give me your feelings on this, i need to have a discussion on this topic (please!).
i was also thinking about like, if two people are conversing via email or IMing over the week, and they bring up some very big topics doesn't the awkwardness and stuff still exist when they finally meet? YES! so.. i don't get it. and like its funny, because i feel a level of sympathy for those outside the interaction of the two people, i mean cuz like, they'll only see a one sided version, and so they may see two people in full fighting one time and then laughing and smiling the next, how are they supposed to get it? i mean they missed a whole chunk of time and words, and so outsiders opinions are like missing spots and its all annoying for eveyone..
i guess its like seeing a the "behind the scenes" of a movie, sure the movies great, but of the actors there can be a plasticky sorta feeling, cuz u know its not them, and so when u see the behind the scenes you sorta actually get to know em and like secrets of the film, and how it works and all that jazz. so like the people with the halfsie views are missing out on all the behind the scene footage and they only see the make-uped, dramatic stuff, not all the real life goodness, all the stuff that made the "film" what it was..
i really, really, REALLY wanna do a whole thing where me and some other people like live a day without verbal communication, like instead we use our eyes, our body language, and all that good stuff. who wants to try it?

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Saturday, February 17, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 3: drawing the lines

i think, for me, one of my biggest challenges i face in myself is that of seeing the lines. like "crossed the line", "outta line", "draw the line" sorta lines. i mean i lose control and cross the line, way too much, more and more often now. and i can tell when i've crossed the line, but right before i can never actually see it. and its so frustrating... but maybe i just don't wanna see the lines, am i avoiding them..? i don't want it to be like that, i don't think it is, i mean, i am always kinda in shock when i know i've gone too far, like a "how did i get here...?" typa feeling. and once i'm over i feel as if i've lost something, like the key, the one key, that will get me back on my side, into my relative sanity.. and i end up hurting so many people, including myself, before i find that key, if i ever do. i don't want to be like this, i hate those looks, where we all know i've gone to far, strayed way outta line, and there's fear impressed in those looks, fear because no one knows what to do, no one knows quite how to react. and i feel the more times the boundaries are crossed, a little bit more of them gets wiped away, and then more and some more. my limits are fading, i need to learn to draw those lines again, i need to build up a solace i can retreat to before things get too bad, too unhealthy. most of you reading this know when i get like this, you've been through it with me, you've seen it all, and i am truly sorry to have dragged you through that abyss with me, please forgive me... but i ask one thing, too, please help me with this, in any way... please, can we stay together a bit longer?

Thursday, February 15, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 2: who really cares?

Whenever I try new things, there is always a little skepticism, a little fear, a little uneasiness, but there also tends to be a great exhilarating eagerness that is overshadowed by the doubt. I mean, there is always a consideration of how things will all turn out by what we do (even if it is rushed away and not thoroughly thought over), what these simple words might mean to others, or what that one move will impress upon them. As humans, its what we do: plan ahead in our lives, maybe see narrowly into our futures a bit, see how things may or may not turn out, and so forth. Of course that is only a half sided view with only our experiences, our opinions, our knowledge to back it up, so the reactions of the other person can be totally mind boggling because we are ignorant of them unless we have overwhelming amounts of understanding and empathy that could counter it. Naturally in these situations, there are two possibilities ready to set off and become realities, two whole whirlwinds already wound up, just waiting to be set in motion by what we do and how the people we are interacting with react to those actions. Then of course, we either make mistakes, thus refusal and regret, or what we say and do to other people is appreciated and accepted.
I see two ways people can react with a situation, they either “don’t care” or just don’t know. I have noticed that people who “don’t care,” have three options in the way that they “don’t care.” These could be the effects society has on people, the feeling of too much caring, or just genuine neutrality.
Society itself makes us “care” about stuff we really don’t want or need to care about, but it also blinds us from noticing what it is doing to us. Then of course we must ask, what would we care about if no one was there to “care about” what we “care” about? Or if it didn’t hit us at all and everyone just moved in their own way, then it would be beautiful, I think, but if no one cared at all who would care if it was stunning or horrid? So we always think about what other people think about, take heed to their feelings, not empathetically, but out of the need for inclusion (see note on that later).
Next comes “caring too much to care”, I have noticed this in so many people who “don’t care” so, so much. We are actually the ones that care the most, the love the hardest, the most selflessly, but it hurts, so awfully, we cannot stand the pain so we cut ourselves off, rebel against caring, basically. And in our rebellion we refuse to let anything in that will hurt us again, hurt us through shame and loss, lost love, lost truths, lost peace, so we shrug it off, bottle ourselves up again, close the door on this agony.
And lastly, there are those of us who officially, truly, do not care, but this is so rare and its usually induced by ignorance, that we “don’t know, don’t care” and sometimes live in that attitude, and can believe that if we are freed from the truth we are freed from giving up any part of ourselves.
All anyone ever wants is to be included, no one truly wants to be left out, never wants to be excluded, unless they want to be above everyone else, and take power, then they either leave that all behind or still want to be accepted by the people and to guide them. Sure, people will want to stand out, but standing out doesn’t always mean being left out. But then we must ask, what is out? What are we being left out of? And then we must decide, individually, what we truly care about, and that can be one of the hardest decisions of our lives, it opens up our limits and our extents for ourselves and others, it shows how independent or co-dependent we are, and what in all of this we actually care about, feel for, give up for. What will we give up to follow them? What will we give up to find our own path? What do we care?

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 1: staring at the scarring

sigh, hello peoples who are wondering, and those of you who are reading this just because i forced you...
ok, i like started this new section, and i was all excited as you may have seen... but things are more painful than i thought: more tears, more searching, more deception, more blindness... everything seems to be fading, its colorless, lifeless. no i can't say lifeless, life includes pain, and that is what i am feeling so its still here, but whats left of it... is grey. there seems to be no warmth i the sun, no spark in these eyes, no color in this masquerade. everything seems... empty, hollow. laughs, the truth.. why can't i see it, its eluding me, or is it just my grasp that is slipping, shaking? am i avoiding it? my eyes are veiled, veiled and blinded, blinded by the clearly visible, the life shoved up in my face... the life of.. deception. blinded by deserted promises, forgotten truths. too many uncontrolable thoughts, deeds, they're coming upon me again, and i fear i again will be the only one to face it. i am alone. but maybe.. maybe there is someone here for me, i just can't see past these blasted scars. i have a song that fits... beautifully!

here are the lyrics (or some of them at least...)

hole in my pocket by sam phillips

My life fell through a hole in my pocket
I lost my solitude, I lost my balance,
I lost my reverence and my voice
Pieces of soul building up a mountain
moving seeds of doubt
My life fell through a hole in my pocket
I can't see anything, only this moment
I hear my heart breaking into faith
Pieces of soul building up a mountain
moving seeds of doubt
My life fell through a hole in my pocket...

Monday, February 12, 2007

new happy bitty thing...erg

ok people, i have been inspired to post again!
not that many people will read this, but those who do: i LOVE u!!!
for like 2 minutes there, i had another blog going because i feel i have turned a corner, a big, honking, corner with a ginormous amount of obstacles, and so, naturally, i thought it was substantial enough event to start a new blog... but this one is like... homey. and so this is what i have decided! no new blog just happy bitty thingy...erg: i am gonna just do a lil sectionizing... so this section is is called (guess...) "this life in my pocket: the holes, the extra cloth, and the buckles and buttons that keep it in there" and i have decided to make this section more visual, more alive, because, baby, I'M BACK! so this is whats goin down, so be prepared. oooooh i'm so excited! ehehe!

Monday, January 29, 2007

brooding, but in a nicer way

as some of you children may know, i was trying out silence. and i know for some of you its like "her?! being SILENT?!!?!?!?! that'd be the day..." but i mean, for some it may not be that big of a shocker anymore, not at all.
some people have said that it was a like a big ole vow of silence thing, but that seems a bit harsh. i mean i'm not waiting to get into the air force or not talking for like 9 months like some people (cough, dwyane, cough). but it was more like, uhm, i had a lot on my mind, a lot of painful stuff, and i needed to find silence in all of it so i could think. it was kind of like brooding, but in a nicer way. i guess just being thoughtful, but i mean, that sounds boring and so-- well, whatever. yeah, hmm. i was actually quite proud of myself, cuz i came up with this really good retort, like if someone tried to get me to talk, or teased me about it, or like just got me all offended it'd be ready. and it was like, "i'm trying out silence, why don't you try out respect?", a bit rude yeah, a bit forceful but it definately seemed a bit, i dunno, hypocritical. but i sorta softened it up, cuz it was like my mom i ended having to feed the would-be retort to... ah, well.
but like while i was at it, my dad gave me this good quote, fantastic really... and naturally, i'd like to share it to you.

"Many people ask me to speak, but nobody as yet has invited me for
silence.  Still, I realize that the more I speak, the more I will need
silence to remain faithful to what I say. People expect too much from
speaking and too little from silence."

 ~ Henry Nouwen  

SEE?!!?! ain't it just brilliant. you have to go back and taste it for a while, let it soak in. now go! GO! go back and read it again...

Sunday, January 28, 2007

i am sorry (why apologize for your mind?)

why am i doing this now? should i tell them whats going on? would they care? whose they? whose reading this anyway? why do you keep reading? am i complaining to much? yes? no? do i think too much? why should i care what anybody else thinks? do i care too much? do you think so? do i? it sounds like i care too much, don't it? should i stop? am i worrying too much? i don't think i need this, do you?
why do i feel so tormented, like something tragic happened?
did you see those eyes too? how could you've? i was the only one looking, right? did you feel like that when you looked? were you trying to impress that image, that bit of your soul? was it a warning? a word?
why did it scare me so much?
was it like that dream? do you feel that one too? is that the end? do i say please and you stay there, but never turn? will you ever turn to face me? or walk away so you can come back running? lifting, soaring, will you? i cannot imagine, hope has eluded me once again, has it you? or are you all too proud of yourself for never turning back? this alley is long, will you keep on walking, will i keep on crumbling? will we kiss the darkness? form with the darkness? but why is it only you running back? shouldn't i go too? all along it has been you there for me, will it always be?
my brother needs to turn down that music, how can he stand listening to them whine?
how can you listen to me? or are you just soaring away, eluding me with hope? are you my hope? my only hope? i explained those trifles, were you understanding? was it all a waste? am i? was this whole thing futile? will we turn again to square one? or have i gone too far, too far off the board? i just don't fit do i? i am sorry.

a poem! to fit. it is mine. is it good enough for you?

A Feverish Quiet (Don’t Apologize)

Wrong in your eyes.
Apologies are tossed aside.
No use.
It is me.

Don’t apologize for who you are.
It is all wrong,
By this way.
It burns.

My very soul,
Will be wrong?
I cannot breathe.

A feverish quiet.

Slow down.
Speed up.
Crying out in the dark.
No one hears.
Rank, rotten.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

that one there (when all others fail)

its been two weeks. things are __________ (forgive my lack of adjectives...). i have no support: moral, mental, spiritual, physical, none. and i'm tired. maybe i should quit the blog. would that be lame? this has been a healthy solace, when all others fail, but maybe, just maybe it was all i needed for a time. a SMALL time. sigh. i dunno, maybe i need this a lot right now, and i just can't see it. it hurts when i bring it up and people are like, "oh, you still do that old thing, i mean people still visit it...?" and i have absolutely nothing to say to their bored and incredulous faces. what do i do? sigh. the truth is i miss you. i miss myself. and i am wearing a skirt.

Saturday, January 6, 2007

paulo and the partial post

ok well this is not OFFICIALLY a post, i mean it may say it is, but believe me, its not up to proper standards. i just wanted to explain that elephant/dog/moose/kangaroo thing that is sitting there, he fell there by accident, and i can't figure out how to get him off. oh and his name's paulo, so just say hi!

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

dread that head

ok, ok, yes i'm posting again. but hey it is MY blog which i am so kindly sharing with YOU folkie(s). we just got back from berkeley, splendiferous city by the way, reallllly wacky, but its quite what i'd call BODACIOUS! and the people (i would say humans, but everytime i go up there i get more and more unsure...) make it all the more rad. so it was awfully groovy. totally, completely, utterly spectacular. we stayed with our known-for-ages-so-you-can-practically-barf-on-their-foreheads-and-they'll-still-love-you friends (ok well, personally i've never tried that, but y'know, i can only imagine. eww, gross, nevermind. ah, well, whatcha gonna do?). ooh crud, i was with la belleza (my buddy on the other blog: and we are SUPPOSED to post on it everytime we are together. Oops. ohhh well, ehehe. erg.
so while i've been back (like two days) i haven't been doing so good. like to start, on the way home from berkeley, i started texting my friend, ehehe ooh, well i think i scared him half to death, NOT so smooth, uhhh not at all. and so then in the car we pass one of those cow concentration camps. and i mean c'mon, have you ever seen those, thats what they are, concentration camps for the cows (you better not laugh...!). the cows sit in this really cramped space, living in crap, and just ughh... and they sit their until someone picks them up and throws them in some rotten machine to KILL them. WHERE ARE THE ANIMAL RIGHTS PEOPLE AT A TIME LIKE THIS!!! sheesh, it was hideously disgusting and it hurt. so i vowed not to eat cows, or beef, unless it became a very dire time where i just HAD to. i also wouldn't eat pigs, no bacon, no pork or anything, unless it was free range, like some poultry and fishies. it was paining. shudders...! so on with the list of things i have screwed up since i got back. when i get home, i get in a fight with my dad, give up on painting my room and leave all the work to my mom, accuse someone that they were a passionless lump (same dude i had messed up in the car ride back from berkeley), leave all my junk in the hall, and wake my parents up to find my toothbrush. i reallllllly messed up over, and over, but wait, i can explain all my actions, they aren't as bad as the sound. the fight with my dad was resolved; i eventually started painting my room again; and i DIDN'T call him a passionless lump, thats just the way it sounded, its not that bad, we worked it out, sorta, but i think i scarred him, erg; the junk was moved into my room; and we hadn't completely unpacked from berkeley so i had positively NO CLUE WHERE ON EARTH MY TOOTHBRUSH WAS, so i woke them up (i was watching pirates of the carribean 2, so i stayed up a bit later) and then... ooh, it was just bad. but i have been acting REALLY strange, like i randomly ask people these horridly personal questions outta the blue, but thats almost ok since we're close, but still, and i was listening to this one radiohead song called "idioteque" which is a viciously disconcerting song, and i'm thinking of becoming a dreadhead. y'know with dreads, DREADLOCKS people!!! nah, but really, i am seriously looking into it. sorry if i'm scaring you, i think i'm scaring myself, this post makes no sense whatsover, does it? ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! i'm sorry, people, i love you all, gotta go before i actually hurt someone, ah, well.