Monday, March 26, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 14: what have i done?


i feel so idiotic. worthless..

i keep going down, in grades.. in everything. and not just in the stupid, humdrum, everyday crap, but in the extra stuff, in my privileges allowing me to get ahead. its all tumbling down. and i know, i know that here, here is something no one can do anything more about. nothing more. this is my duty, it is my education. and i can no longer wait, can not waste these next 3 months, humming to myself and whispering none of this matters.. none at all. i can't because some of it is not nothing, some of it i can't ignore and take it for granted. it is an advancement for me, and i can't afford to get behind.

during my free period today my english teacher gave us a prompt for our journal, a prompt that i will not be able to write, not if i want to stay dry. oh, no. he asked us, all of us, how we have changed this year, postitively or negatively. how we, ourselves see our changes. changes in academic and personal areas, and how they affect us, how we feel about them. he asked how others have seen us change this year, and how they feel and how our changes have affected them. and what we can do to change, and what we will.

so i thought about this a while. i know i have changed. a lot. and right now i feel as if it was all negative, all these problems at school, all this bitterness between friends, my parents, and i, they are all i can see. nothing i have done can possibly rule them out. nothing at all. i know people have seen me too, they are worried, i am not who i was. i know i have not pleased them, not pleased anyone. how can i have like this? too many mistakes.. too many failings. how can this be changed? accepted? forgiven? forgotten?

i immediately burst into tears. i tried to cover it up. cover it in my arms. as i had gotten myself i little back up, my friends came in and asked if they could borrow me for a project in the other class, the second i got out of that classroom i broke down. i swear i started sobbing, it wasn't any old tears coming down my cheeks, i was sobbing. full on sobbing.

i got to forget a bit, block it out, while working on the project. i could laugh, but it wasn't truly happy, there was still underlying bitterness and despair. always.

i don't remember the last time i honestly laughed.

sometimes i start to feel too much, feel too strongly/harshly/passionately about something, and i hit a point where i can't any more. no more feeling can i let in. i feel no more.
i went into one of those things after troublings..

first: uncontrollable hyperness
second: that sorta dumbstruck/blank/numb place
third: i eventually got jolted back into wanting to feel again drawn through their laughter
fourth: the place where i could talk about it
fifth: into the depression again smashing all areas of my life.

i know many of those who are reading this have seen/felt/heard me in one of these places. i am so sorry. its not meant for you. i still love you, all of you. please take me back...


me...or is it? said...

it hurts me that you can't remember the last time you honestly laughed. like i'm not mad but it's so tragic that it hurts me. but again (two posts in a row!) i know exactly what you mean...the smiling and laughing but not really meaning it...your problems overshadowing everything...i feel ya! (sorry if that exclamation point was too misplaced)

wise monkey said...

We will always be here to take u back kenzie! It doesn't matter whats going on the big thing is to get through life together. Laughter, thats a big one let laughter and joy rage through you like a flood. But no matter what you do there will be people take take you back with open arms.


i love you guys. you make my life work.

we love u! said...

mackenzie, u should never feel that way...i know that sounds kinda corny but its the truth! we will always be here for u, at the very least, one of us will! i haven't read ur blog in forever, and i feel really bad now...i'm sorry for everything that u've been through and i hope that you can start out fresh again. remember one thing though...we all love you and without u there would be no real fun in school. please remember that...