Monday, February 26, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 6: the numbness and the aftermath (when will we be together?)

last nite was good, i watched the academy awards at jordans. it was magnificent, that pizza was positively bodacious, and oh! that ice cream! that was to die for. high 5 jordan..
but then i noticed about half way thru i was exhausted. and i mean, why? it was awful, and i hadn't done much of anything all day but sorta just turn myself off, just flipping that switch turned me numb ("deprived of the power of sensation"), i was just a body and some tears, that was the extent of it, nothing moved me, well maybe a lil piano, but that was all too fleeting.. but like i was seriously gone, ill, empty. and after a while, feeling started coming back, but i didn't feel good, not at all. it was just all to much, all to painful, i was just low, i was just hurting, and i felt-- alone.. and i mean i know i never truly am, but i have trouble connecting with those that are there when my eye is focused on too small a space, too limited amount of room that i want contained, that blinds me from the rest of the-- i guess, salvation that comes..
i'm not sure i'm not sure why the depression came, its just like, too much. and i'm tired, i'm tired of feeling alone, i'm tired of feeling lost, i just wanna be found, found when i can't find myself, i just wanna be held when i am weeping, held when i'm shining, and to hold, hold through it all.. i just wanna know that i am not alone in a small, vacant way.
and so now, the week is new, the week could be bright and i know someone will be here, despite... nevermind they WILL come. faith is renewed, and its stronger than abandonment, than exclusion, than betrayal. but i still have these.. i dunno, like ashes in my pancakes.. in everything good that comes, theres more just blechk along with it, and in this time, i can't see how fresh and beautiful things are without noticing that crap will be a-coming along with it, even if i can't see it, i know its there, and i can't ignore it.. i don't want to be like this, always seeing the junk in life, letting it screw up the magnificence.. like outside, in the bleak pit of our backyard, i see some grass is finally starting to burst up, and its so green and so alive and fresh, and i see it and i just want to roll around in it and let the new life envelope me.. but then i know, that just when i walk out there, i'm gonna get covered in burrs and dirt thats just hiding amongst the beauty. sigh.
but maybe we aren't meant to just ignore all this stuff thrown at us in such a rough way, or avoid it, or even just accept it as it is, in all its unpleasantness, in all its hideously depressing ways.. maybe we aren't supposed to let it dampen our lives, maybe, just maybe, we are meant to root it out, cleanse ourselves and eachother of it. and i know it seems impossible to keep coming back to this stuff with smiles on our faces, all prepared and happy to be able to rid ourselves of this horror, but if we take it as it comes, spare ourselves from the hellishness of it all and try to move on, we can learn to live a little more brightly.. we won't be alone if we all lean on each other in this battle.. but maybe we can see how much we can save together... together: not alone...

Friday, February 23, 2007

(this has nothing to do with the series) how annoying

lol, this is SO annoying! scroll down to the post between the issues 3 and 4. it is one hilarious post! go go go and enjoy!

this life in my pocket: issue 5: depressing impressions

how absurd, i'm posting all the time now, this is so _____________ (i looked up three words in the thesauraus thing: bizarre, strange, and weird, and every time it came up with the synonym of "eccentric" so i'm all, "i'll just used that word..!" but then when i type it in it looks all, like "WHAT?" sorta mad-scientisty, and idk, i just don't like it.. so insert your own word there! please, and then tell me what you put.). i'm blaming it on brian, he inspired me, and hes making my brain whirl, too many thoughts we're sharing, blechk! no wait, maybe i am rejoicing, i've needed this, i'm thanking him, he kept me from closing up... yes.. thank you, brian.
so, to the reason i titled the blog the way its titled, it ain't called "watch mackakelenzio ramble" pssssssssh! so here we are:
i've been thinking a lot about, like proving yourself or impressing people, and it really, really, REALLY just.. bugs me, how and why people do this. it brings up all this jealousy, self-consciousness, and other insubordinate feelings, and its just stupid, and i mean sure, it may get you to a level of understanding with the people like if your stuck in big bear with 5 other guys and they all think your some stupid girl but then when your on a bike ride with em and you keep them all from being lost and safely lead them home, whilst giving them an excellent workout, you develop some agreement that maybe just maybe your not as dumb as some.. and i mean, i guess thats ok, its like finally being included in a new group of kids at a new school, so it ain't bad. buuuuuuuuut, if your like losing weight to impress your life-long crush, its just like "WHY?" i mean, shouldn't it be enough to just impress yourself? make yourself feel good? cuz like your gonna have to live with yourself forever and they won't always be there and so their feelings are gonna evaporate the moment you people are out of each others lives, right?
but maybe, just maybe, i need to look at this in a more objective light, stop being that hypocritical, because maybe i'm annoyed with myself.. but recently in this new relationship thats here, i haven't tried to impress anyone, and i'm allowed to be myself, which is wonderful! and i'm so happy i have met someone who will find the good in me without my having to flounce it around in their face! i can't stop grinning! but anyways, off that little sidetrack back to the point: i don't think i'm as ticked with the proving yourself as the imressing people part, cause like, i just don't get it, even when i do it myself, it seems so sick, like shouldn't just me being proud of myself for accomplishing something be enough? i don't wanna have to tell everyone how great i am, its.. disturbing, and i know there are people out there who will see goodness in this dump of emotions i carry around, so why be talking to these other people who will just lead to my own insecurity? it doesn't make sense, but i guess we're selfish creatures, humans, and we need not just our own satisfaction and recognition to make us happy, we need everyone else's as well, why IS that?! its so uncomfortable, why do we keep trying. don't we just realize that there is somebody out there for us who will see all through all of this clutter to the clean and healthy stuff no matter what we do? the good in us will appear for them before the distrust, the evil, so why do we keep going back to these people who will just continue hurting us? its like we have some weird sense of faith, we like have faith that these people that we want to know the good in us will, and we have no faith in the fact that there IS someone who will naturally see the good without us having to brag about it to the world. its horribly backwards.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 4: behind the scenes (new connections..!)

despite the hideous lack of comments on my last post, i will continue on posting... sheesh. i was gonna post on something else, but this is fresher in my mind so, why not? i'll post about it later, never fear!
i find it really... just fantastic how like you can be indierctly telling someone something through a song or a post or a piece of paper covered in sketches and random words.. i know you can think of examples, where all the public hears a song, for instance, in one way, but the people who are singing are really doing it to just one person in the audience, one mind, and a connection occurs, some appealing realization that despite everyone else's chaos and emotion there is one reserved for you, and only you and them. this bond is amazingly strong.. but like it makes me think: what if you were really dumb, and it just flew right past us-- that happens more than we think, i know, we can be pretty dumb like that. oi..! so... communication, i resolve, is pretty weird shtuff. here, i'll explain.
well, first off i was thinking how we find it so much easier to communitcate ideas and feelings to others through writing, i mean, its so, so hard to say somethings out loud.. why IS that?! what really is the difference, is it that we don't have to see or hear their reply in its full force? are we cutting ourselves off from full interactions because we are afraid of how others will react? are we that cowardly, or has society and new technology overwhelming us AGAIN?! i mean, we will still feel the full emotion set about eventually, right..? please give me your feelings on this, i need to have a discussion on this topic (please!).
i was also thinking about like, if two people are conversing via email or IMing over the week, and they bring up some very big topics doesn't the awkwardness and stuff still exist when they finally meet? YES! so.. i don't get it. and like its funny, because i feel a level of sympathy for those outside the interaction of the two people, i mean cuz like, they'll only see a one sided version, and so they may see two people in full fighting one time and then laughing and smiling the next, how are they supposed to get it? i mean they missed a whole chunk of time and words, and so outsiders opinions are like missing spots and its all annoying for eveyone..
i guess its like seeing a the "behind the scenes" of a movie, sure the movies great, but of the actors there can be a plasticky sorta feeling, cuz u know its not them, and so when u see the behind the scenes you sorta actually get to know em and like secrets of the film, and how it works and all that jazz. so like the people with the halfsie views are missing out on all the behind the scene footage and they only see the make-uped, dramatic stuff, not all the real life goodness, all the stuff that made the "film" what it was..
i really, really, REALLY wanna do a whole thing where me and some other people like live a day without verbal communication, like instead we use our eyes, our body language, and all that good stuff. who wants to try it?

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Saturday, February 17, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 3: drawing the lines

i think, for me, one of my biggest challenges i face in myself is that of seeing the lines. like "crossed the line", "outta line", "draw the line" sorta lines. i mean i lose control and cross the line, way too much, more and more often now. and i can tell when i've crossed the line, but right before i can never actually see it. and its so frustrating... but maybe i just don't wanna see the lines, am i avoiding them..? i don't want it to be like that, i don't think it is, i mean, i am always kinda in shock when i know i've gone too far, like a "how did i get here...?" typa feeling. and once i'm over i feel as if i've lost something, like the key, the one key, that will get me back on my side, into my relative sanity.. and i end up hurting so many people, including myself, before i find that key, if i ever do. i don't want to be like this, i hate those looks, where we all know i've gone to far, strayed way outta line, and there's fear impressed in those looks, fear because no one knows what to do, no one knows quite how to react. and i feel the more times the boundaries are crossed, a little bit more of them gets wiped away, and then more and some more. my limits are fading, i need to learn to draw those lines again, i need to build up a solace i can retreat to before things get too bad, too unhealthy. most of you reading this know when i get like this, you've been through it with me, you've seen it all, and i am truly sorry to have dragged you through that abyss with me, please forgive me... but i ask one thing, too, please help me with this, in any way... please, can we stay together a bit longer?

Thursday, February 15, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 2: who really cares?

Whenever I try new things, there is always a little skepticism, a little fear, a little uneasiness, but there also tends to be a great exhilarating eagerness that is overshadowed by the doubt. I mean, there is always a consideration of how things will all turn out by what we do (even if it is rushed away and not thoroughly thought over), what these simple words might mean to others, or what that one move will impress upon them. As humans, its what we do: plan ahead in our lives, maybe see narrowly into our futures a bit, see how things may or may not turn out, and so forth. Of course that is only a half sided view with only our experiences, our opinions, our knowledge to back it up, so the reactions of the other person can be totally mind boggling because we are ignorant of them unless we have overwhelming amounts of understanding and empathy that could counter it. Naturally in these situations, there are two possibilities ready to set off and become realities, two whole whirlwinds already wound up, just waiting to be set in motion by what we do and how the people we are interacting with react to those actions. Then of course, we either make mistakes, thus refusal and regret, or what we say and do to other people is appreciated and accepted.
I see two ways people can react with a situation, they either “don’t care” or just don’t know. I have noticed that people who “don’t care,” have three options in the way that they “don’t care.” These could be the effects society has on people, the feeling of too much caring, or just genuine neutrality.
Society itself makes us “care” about stuff we really don’t want or need to care about, but it also blinds us from noticing what it is doing to us. Then of course we must ask, what would we care about if no one was there to “care about” what we “care” about? Or if it didn’t hit us at all and everyone just moved in their own way, then it would be beautiful, I think, but if no one cared at all who would care if it was stunning or horrid? So we always think about what other people think about, take heed to their feelings, not empathetically, but out of the need for inclusion (see note on that later).
Next comes “caring too much to care”, I have noticed this in so many people who “don’t care” so, so much. We are actually the ones that care the most, the love the hardest, the most selflessly, but it hurts, so awfully, we cannot stand the pain so we cut ourselves off, rebel against caring, basically. And in our rebellion we refuse to let anything in that will hurt us again, hurt us through shame and loss, lost love, lost truths, lost peace, so we shrug it off, bottle ourselves up again, close the door on this agony.
And lastly, there are those of us who officially, truly, do not care, but this is so rare and its usually induced by ignorance, that we “don’t know, don’t care” and sometimes live in that attitude, and can believe that if we are freed from the truth we are freed from giving up any part of ourselves.
All anyone ever wants is to be included, no one truly wants to be left out, never wants to be excluded, unless they want to be above everyone else, and take power, then they either leave that all behind or still want to be accepted by the people and to guide them. Sure, people will want to stand out, but standing out doesn’t always mean being left out. But then we must ask, what is out? What are we being left out of? And then we must decide, individually, what we truly care about, and that can be one of the hardest decisions of our lives, it opens up our limits and our extents for ourselves and others, it shows how independent or co-dependent we are, and what in all of this we actually care about, feel for, give up for. What will we give up to follow them? What will we give up to find our own path? What do we care?

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 1: staring at the scarring

sigh, hello peoples who are wondering, and those of you who are reading this just because i forced you...
ok, i like started this new section, and i was all excited as you may have seen... but things are more painful than i thought: more tears, more searching, more deception, more blindness... everything seems to be fading, its colorless, lifeless. no i can't say lifeless, life includes pain, and that is what i am feeling so its still here, but whats left of it... is grey. there seems to be no warmth i the sun, no spark in these eyes, no color in this masquerade. everything seems... empty, hollow. laughs, the truth.. why can't i see it, its eluding me, or is it just my grasp that is slipping, shaking? am i avoiding it? my eyes are veiled, veiled and blinded, blinded by the clearly visible, the life shoved up in my face... the life of.. deception. blinded by deserted promises, forgotten truths. too many uncontrolable thoughts, deeds, they're coming upon me again, and i fear i again will be the only one to face it. i am alone. but maybe.. maybe there is someone here for me, i just can't see past these blasted scars. i have a song that fits... beautifully!

here are the lyrics (or some of them at least...)

hole in my pocket by sam phillips

My life fell through a hole in my pocket
I lost my solitude, I lost my balance,
I lost my reverence and my voice
Pieces of soul building up a mountain
moving seeds of doubt
My life fell through a hole in my pocket
I can't see anything, only this moment
I hear my heart breaking into faith
Pieces of soul building up a mountain
moving seeds of doubt
My life fell through a hole in my pocket...

Monday, February 12, 2007

new happy bitty thing...erg

ok people, i have been inspired to post again!
not that many people will read this, but those who do: i LOVE u!!!
for like 2 minutes there, i had another blog going because i feel i have turned a corner, a big, honking, corner with a ginormous amount of obstacles, and so, naturally, i thought it was substantial enough event to start a new blog... but this one is like... homey. and so this is what i have decided! no new blog just happy bitty thingy...erg: i am gonna just do a lil sectionizing... so this section is is called (guess...) "this life in my pocket: the holes, the extra cloth, and the buckles and buttons that keep it in there" and i have decided to make this section more visual, more alive, because, baby, I'M BACK! so this is whats goin down, so be prepared. oooooh i'm so excited! ehehe!