Thursday, April 12, 2007



ok, i've decided.. some stuff.. IT DOESN'T MATTER JUST GO HERE!!!


1. scroll down to the bottom of the page,
2. look at the thing that says "these are my linkies, they portal you (fun, fun, fun)!
4. click on the very first one


go to my profile and go down to the bottom and click the one that doesn't say half a lemon panda

ok? there are other ways to get there, but i know some of you are challenged (don't worry, i still love you, and remember, i understand.) and so i'm just shoving it in your faces.. capisce?

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 19: your sucking my life.. slimeball. get away!

i've been feeling really good lately. life is good. love is good. you are good. i am good. oh, goody! no but really, i have. like really strong and really confident and proud of myself... just stella.

i was coming back, coming back strong and beautifully. it was at its peak now. i thought we could sit and rest there for a while..

but suddenly..

we tipped, and we go back down the hill. i'm gone. people start weighing me down, and putting me down. whining in my ears, "if you hadn't done it in the first place..", being so.. blasted pounding. screwed in a vice. i feel so shoved down by them. ground into the dirt, where before, before i was soaring ever higher.

but now..

i was feeling so empowered, filled with good energy. but now its.. zapped. poof. byebye.

i wish i could go back. i'm suffocating in the dingy, sleazy, screwy air filling my lungs. i want to go away, anywhere away.. just to feel that again. i need to get away. i need to be myself again.

i need me.

Friday, April 6, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 18, pt 2: and now what?

ok.. i need to continue from yesterday.. this'll just take a sec. i just need to voice what i'm a-thinking. ok maybe i shouldn't have said anything, cuz now i see just how uncomfortable we both are. it seems... i just don't know. i don't understand. can't you just say something, anything at all? it doesn't have to be what i want to hear, but if it just gets resolved and we can move on, that will be enough. won't it? i... don't know how far i can go, or how quickly i can stop.. but if you hold me back or help me break free then at least we can breathe again, right? i just wanna be able to see it. the more i spin, the faster i go, the dizzier i get.. i'm getting sicker and sicker. i need you to stop me. tell me what it is. please...

Thursday, April 5, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 18: dizzy feelings/ over my head (cable car)

ok, i know once you read these lyrics, you're all gonna think i'm backtracking.. and i mean after that post yesterday.. its kinda.. well, backwards. so uhm.. lemme explain.

ok so i got a tad confused today with you there and my feelings for you, everything was really twisty (hormones, hnh.), and i was just sorta. .C. .O. .N. .F. .U. .S. .E. .D... again! lemme tell ya, it is getting OLD. but hey? who isn't confused..? i mean really. so i.. here. just read em, they pretty much describe what i be feeling. okie?

Over My Head (Cable Car)
The Fray

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm in over...

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

ok? so i.. just know that.. i don't know a thing here. i don't know what's going down. i don't know your feelings. i don't know what on earth i'm feeling. i don't know where this is going, and even where we've been seems a bit hazy.

i'm confused, everything i see makes me confused, every look you send me, every signal, every lack thereof, sends me into a warped shade of confusion. its like both of us are so, so clueless. of what moves to make, what we should give, what we should take, where to go and how to get there. so cluelessly confused. ugh.

its like i'm spinning, twirling, and everything is whirling into a million shapes, sparks, leaving every sign out of focus, out of me. and i hate to say this, but i don't know which way i like better. its like i'm running again, but not running from my fears, but from all true clarity. but maybe that is a major fear of mine. seeing straight. or maybe i'm not, maybe its all just eluding me.. but its prolly just me.

i don't know what i want here. not at all. i think i want you. but when i'm with you, i get so... confused. i don't know what i want, don't know what i need, and if they correspond at all. i think i see the same fear/longing/displacement/dizzyness in your eyes, but then i look again... and i..

dizzy in what, though? dizzy in dispair? dizzy in hope? dizzy in envy? dizzy in yearning? dizzy in disgust? dizzy in love?

dizzy, dizzy, dizzy.

i just can't see it, give me a sign, straigten me out, hold me tight and... keep me from spinning away..

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 17: nothing for it/back into life

nothing to show for, nothing to hide. nothing to stay for, nothing to run from. nobody have i lost, no one have i found. no one to turn to, no one to cringe from. no one to share with, no one to steal from. no one to hold, no one to hurt. nothing to be proud of, no reason to feel ashamed. no reason to, no reason not to. except all that i have done. except all that i have been. except all that i have felt. except all those that i have loved, scarred, lifted, hit, held, burned, healed.

in my shame, in my guilt, in my fleeing, in my flailing, in my solitude, in my hate, in my twilight, i am dying... i am blinded by these insecurites. i am letting myself fail, letting myself be destroyed, letting myself be trampled. have i given up? have i blown out the light by my sighs? what is left..?

in my pride, in my confidence, in my healing, in my lifting, in my sharing, in my compassion, in my luminescence, i am alive! i can see, i can breathe again, i can dance, i can shine. glow..! i am strong, i can go on, i can live and help others live. i am freed. hope pulses through me, flowing with my blood, dancing, moving, spreading.

who am i becoming? who have i become? who was i? who am i? do i have control here? should i keep letting myself go, wait for the maturity to arrive? is that how i learn, grow, change, thrive? how do i..?

i know what i can be. i know what i am being. i know what i want to be. i know what i should be. but why can't i? the only one holding me back is...


why can't i..

be the strongest i can be?
be the brightest i can be?
be the most compassionate i can be?
be the most hopeful i can be?
be the most confident i can be?
be the most loving i can be?
be the most alive..


nothing can hold me back, except myself. nothing! nothing. nothing... nothing?

its coming back.. the doubt. the fear. the misgivings. the misguidings. the mistakes. the mis-me. the wrong.

i can do this... but i don't think i can alone.

maybe i shouldn't have to. i never have to be alone. actually, i NEVER am.

NEVER ALONE. i've got this. i'm going to make it out. make it out alive. i won't let this win. i won't be beat. not with you by my side. and i know, i know you aren't leaving. i know you won't leave, not as love has molded us. not as love is molding us. not as love will mold us.

we will work for this change. we will work to breathe me back.

back into life.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

beautiful disaster

ok, ok, ok. i know and you know, we all know, that i am not that huge of a fan for POP music. right? well ok, forgive me for a sec as i have found one that is almost ok (ok, its kinda good, i'll admit..). see it was just the free single of the week on itunes, and i was like why not? sooooo i downloaded it. the lyrics are a tad sappy/cheesy, buuuuuut what can you expect? i mean seriously, it IS pop.. ok so here i'll give you the lyrics..

beautiful disaster
jon mclaughlin

she loves her momma's lemonade
hates the sounds that goodbyes make
she prays one day she'll find someone to need her
she swears there's no difference between the lies and compliments
it's all the same if everybody leaves her

and all the magazines tells her she's not good enough
the pictures that she sees makes her cry

she would change everything, everything, just ask her
caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
she just needs someone to take her home

she's giving boys what they want
trying to act so nonchalant
afraid to see that she's lost her direction
she never stays the same for long
assuming that she'll get it wrong
perfect only in her imperfection

she's not a drama queen
she doesn't wanna feel this way
only 17 and tired, yeah

she would change everything for happy ever after
caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
she just needs someone to take her home

she's just the way she is
but no one's told her that's okay

she would change everything, everything, just ask her
caught in the in between of beautiful disaster

she would change everything for happy ever after
caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
she just needs someone to take her home
she just needs someone to take her home

Sunday, April 1, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 16: too much to remember

its all too much. everything draws me back there. every single thing. all together, too. it all thrusts me back.

every sound i hear, pounding through my ears, echoes your laugh, your fury; every sound they voice, becomes yours.

every thing i see is your own work, your own sense reflected upon it. and as i see it, my eyes blur in rememberence.

every smell pervading me, entering me, is yours. one more whiff and i might fall apart, your glorious scent, is all that is here.

just one touch, all of your warmth unto me, into me. lighting me up, stirring, pulsing, burning. all i can feel, all yours.

even taste, i can even taste you. here its no surprise, here it is done, and it is okay, our sharing. its not so bad.

i need to forget.

too much, too strong, too true, too alive.
its all here.
and it is too much.
only as we reflect.
life brings us wholly together, wholly wonderful.

but no.

it is too spirited.
we live and it is good.

but no.

not when we come back.
back to the present,
back to the dishonesty, back to the infidelity, back to the envy, back to their stares.
is it too much for you?
in their eyes?
is it all too much to have done?

i need to forget.

maybe its all too there.. too there to forget.
maybe we shouldn't. shouldn't forget.
maybe we need to remember.
maybe we need to welcome it. welcome it as it is too strong to push away.

take it in.
breathe it in.

and maybe we can make new memories.
breathe together again.

fully there.
fully being.
fully breathing.

a love.


maybe we can be strong again.

just us. together.

together we can be strong.

Friday, March 30, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 15: love me true

hey peoples.. ok, i'm doing a bit better, not much, but still. thank you, thank you, thank you for just being there for me, i can't thank you enough. thanks, my loves. you don't know how much you mean to me.

ahaha, how sappy/soppy/soapy, i'll stop. nah, but really, you mean so much to me. you don't even know.

its weird how much, while i'm at that place i call school, my soul is absent. its like that place is sucking out my soul or "squelching my spirit" as gini said. i just.. can't breathe there. at all. its killing me bit by bit. and see i'm so sure that place is why i am so faded, so blanched, because i feel so constricted there, and the second school's out i feel i can soar. i'm free and nothing, NOTHING is holding me back.

wow this is getting really, unnaturally sappy. blechk. besides, i actually was coming to post about something.. hmm.. OH! yes..


i know i have probably discussed this with some of you, as it has been discussed with me (thanks, mom. ehehhe.) but just writing it down keeps it there, and i can't trust all of you with your skills at recollection. or whatever. ok to the point!

many people act, right? i mean like take action, there are a few who just.. don't. but most of those are dead. anyways, there tend to be two motives in a situation you are in with someone you care for, i mean in situations with someone you don't like.. you just a) ignore 'em, b) glare/stare 'em down, c) fight 'em, or... whatever i've forgotten. but THAT is not the point. we're talking about actions we take in a situation with people we actually LIKE! ok? stay focused!

so in those situations, we either take action through feelings of a) love or b) guilt. right? so like when someone says, "i will be here for you," you might ask (probably in your head..) "WHY?" [and i mean, if you both love each other enough, you will prolly get to the point of full on trust (thats always good.) and you really won't wonder at all, cuz i mean, duh! you love each other enough. hnh.] but otherwise, you can always wonder, right? and like.. if you are feeling low on self restraint and you just must ask, "WHY?!" they might reply a) "why wouldn't i?/ i'm here for you. always./ i am trying, we are working, we will fix you/etc."(any or all of 'em), or b) i felt bad cuz.../ i thought i owed you/ well you did and i just didn't react, so i felt bad/etc." (again, any or all of 'em). and i mean, if the people truly feel that they have been indebted so far into the other's love or care, then repaying the debt to bring them up to that equality is all good. so yeah...

i have learned that its better to do things out of love than guilt. cuz it just is. more positive, more passionate, more honest. i mean love should replace guilt, it eliminates the guilt, sends it away, heals it, no? and so its just more wholesome, for ourselves, for them. i mean we shouldn't stay in relationships if its all for the other person, nothing for ourselves, just cuz we don't wanna hurt them. we shouldn't heal or help or solve because their pain makes us feel sick, and we just wanna get rid of the pain, but we barely know who we're fixing.

so see? doesn't that just make sense? to take action through love for another, rather than to only repay debts, because debt shouldn't be a huge, dragging problem, for if the person you are healing loves you and is welcome to your help, the debt should be mostly pardoned, right? you are equals. love is equal. so what is the deal?

Monday, March 26, 2007

this life in my pocket: issue 14: what have i done?


i feel so idiotic. worthless..

i keep going down, in grades.. in everything. and not just in the stupid, humdrum, everyday crap, but in the extra stuff, in my privileges allowing me to get ahead. its all tumbling down. and i know, i know that here, here is something no one can do anything more about. nothing more. this is my duty, it is my education. and i can no longer wait, can not waste these next 3 months, humming to myself and whispering none of this matters.. none at all. i can't because some of it is not nothing, some of it i can't ignore and take it for granted. it is an advancement for me, and i can't afford to get behind.

during my free period today my english teacher gave us a prompt for our journal, a prompt that i will not be able to write, not if i want to stay dry. oh, no. he asked us, all of us, how we have changed this year, postitively or negatively. how we, ourselves see our changes. changes in academic and personal areas, and how they affect us, how we feel about them. he asked how others have seen us change this year, and how they feel and how our changes have affected them. and what we can do to change, and what we will.

so i thought about this a while. i know i have changed. a lot. and right now i feel as if it was all negative, all these problems at school, all this bitterness between friends, my parents, and i, they are all i can see. nothing i have done can possibly rule them out. nothing at all. i know people have seen me too, they are worried, i am not who i was. i know i have not pleased them, not pleased anyone. how can i have like this? too many mistakes.. too many failings. how can this be changed? accepted? forgiven? forgotten?

i immediately burst into tears. i tried to cover it up. cover it in my arms. as i had gotten myself i little back up, my friends came in and asked if they could borrow me for a project in the other class, the second i got out of that classroom i broke down. i swear i started sobbing, it wasn't any old tears coming down my cheeks, i was sobbing. full on sobbing.

i got to forget a bit, block it out, while working on the project. i could laugh, but it wasn't truly happy, there was still underlying bitterness and despair. always.

i don't remember the last time i honestly laughed.

sometimes i start to feel too much, feel too strongly/harshly/passionately about something, and i hit a point where i can't any more. no more feeling can i let in. i feel no more.
i went into one of those things after troublings..

first: uncontrollable hyperness
second: that sorta dumbstruck/blank/numb place
third: i eventually got jolted back into wanting to feel again drawn through their laughter
fourth: the place where i could talk about it
fifth: into the depression again smashing all areas of my life.

i know many of those who are reading this have seen/felt/heard me in one of these places. i am so sorry. its not meant for you. i still love you, all of you. please take me back...