Wednesday, April 4, 2007
this life in my pocket: issue 17: nothing for it/back into life
nothing to show for, nothing to hide. nothing to stay for, nothing to run from. nobody have i lost, no one have i found. no one to turn to, no one to cringe from. no one to share with, no one to steal from. no one to hold, no one to hurt. nothing to be proud of, no reason to feel ashamed. no reason to, no reason not to. except all that i have done. except all that i have been. except all that i have felt. except all those that i have loved, scarred, lifted, hit, held, burned, healed.
in my shame, in my guilt, in my fleeing, in my flailing, in my solitude, in my hate, in my twilight, i am dying... i am blinded by these insecurites. i am letting myself fail, letting myself be destroyed, letting myself be trampled. have i given up? have i blown out the light by my sighs? what is left..?
in my pride, in my confidence, in my healing, in my lifting, in my sharing, in my compassion, in my luminescence, i am alive! i can see, i can breathe again, i can dance, i can shine. glow..! i am strong, i can go on, i can live and help others live. i am freed. hope pulses through me, flowing with my blood, dancing, moving, spreading.
who am i becoming? who have i become? who was i? who am i? do i have control here? should i keep letting myself go, wait for the maturity to arrive? is that how i learn, grow, change, thrive? how do i..?
i know what i can be. i know what i am being. i know what i want to be. i know what i should be. but why can't i? the only one holding me back is...
why can't i..
be the strongest i can be?
be the brightest i can be?
be the most compassionate i can be?
be the most hopeful i can be?
be the most confident i can be?
be the most loving i can be?
be the most alive..
I CAN BE.
nothing can hold me back, except myself. nothing! nothing. nothing... nothing?
its coming back.. the doubt. the fear. the misgivings. the misguidings. the mistakes. the mis-me. the wrong.
i can do this... but i don't think i can alone.
maybe i shouldn't have to. i never have to be alone. actually, i NEVER am.
NEVER ALONE. i've got this. i'm going to make it out. make it out alive. i won't let this win. i won't be beat. not with you by my side. and i know, i know you aren't leaving. i know you won't leave, not as love has molded us. not as love is molding us. not as love will mold us.
we will work for this change. we will work to breathe me back.
back into life.