how absurd, i'm posting all the time now, this is so _____________ (i looked up three words in the thesauraus thing: bizarre, strange, and weird, and every time it came up with the synonym of "eccentric" so i'm all, "i'll just used that word..!" but then when i type it in it looks all, like "WHAT?" sorta mad-scientisty, and idk, i just don't like it.. so insert your own word there! please, and then tell me what you put.). i'm blaming it on brian, he inspired me, and hes making my brain whirl, too many thoughts we're sharing, blechk! no wait, maybe i am rejoicing, i've needed this, i'm thanking him, he kept me from closing up... yes.. thank you, brian.
so, to the reason i titled the blog the way its titled, it ain't called "watch mackakelenzio ramble" pssssssssh! so here we are:
i've been thinking a lot about, like proving yourself or impressing people, and it really, really, REALLY just.. bugs me, how and why people do this. it brings up all this jealousy, self-consciousness, and other insubordinate feelings, and its just stupid, and i mean sure, it may get you to a level of understanding with the people like if your stuck in big bear with 5 other guys and they all think your some stupid girl but then when your on a bike ride with em and you keep them all from being lost and safely lead them home, whilst giving them an excellent workout, you develop some agreement that maybe just maybe your not as dumb as some.. and i mean, i guess thats ok, its like finally being included in a new group of kids at a new school, so it ain't bad. buuuuuuuuut, if your like losing weight to impress your life-long crush, its just like "WHY?" i mean, shouldn't it be enough to just impress yourself? make yourself feel good? cuz like your gonna have to live with yourself forever and they won't always be there and so their feelings are gonna evaporate the moment you people are out of each others lives, right?
but maybe, just maybe, i need to look at this in a more objective light, stop being that hypocritical, because maybe i'm annoyed with myself.. but recently in this new relationship thats here, i haven't tried to impress anyone, and i'm allowed to be myself, which is wonderful! and i'm so happy i have met someone who will find the good in me without my having to flounce it around in their face! i can't stop grinning! but anyways, off that little sidetrack back to the point: i don't think i'm as ticked with the proving yourself as the imressing people part, cause like, i just don't get it, even when i do it myself, it seems so sick, like shouldn't just me being proud of myself for accomplishing something be enough? i don't wanna have to tell everyone how great i am, its.. disturbing, and i know there are people out there who will see goodness in this dump of emotions i carry around, so why be talking to these other people who will just lead to my own insecurity? it doesn't make sense, but i guess we're selfish creatures, humans, and we need not just our own satisfaction and recognition to make us happy, we need everyone else's as well, why IS that?! its so uncomfortable, why do we keep trying. don't we just realize that there is somebody out there for us who will see all through all of this clutter to the clean and healthy stuff no matter what we do? the good in us will appear for them before the distrust, the evil, so why do we keep going back to these people who will just continue hurting us? its like we have some weird sense of faith, we like have faith that these people that we want to know the good in us will, and we have no faith in the fact that there IS someone who will naturally see the good without us having to brag about it to the world. its horribly backwards.
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