this life in my pocket: issue 15: love me true

hey peoples.. ok, i'm doing a bit better, not much, but still. thank you, thank you, thank you for just being there for me, i can't thank you enough. thanks, my loves. you don't know how much you mean to me.

ahaha, how sappy/soppy/soapy, i'll stop. nah, but really, you mean so much to me. you don't even know.

its weird how much, while i'm at that place i call school, my soul is absent. its like that place is sucking out my soul or "squelching my spirit" as gini said. i just.. can't breathe there. at all. its killing me bit by bit. and see i'm so sure that place is why i am so faded, so blanched, because i feel so constricted there, and the second school's out i feel i can soar. i'm free and nothing, NOTHING is holding me back.

wow this is getting really, unnaturally sappy. blechk. besides, i actually was coming to post about something.. hmm.. OH! yes..

ok.

i know i have probably discussed this with some of you, as it has been discussed with me (thanks, mom. ehehhe.) but just writing it down keeps it there, and i can't trust all of you with your skills at recollection. or whatever. ok to the point!

many people act, right? i mean like take action, there are a few who just.. don't. but most of those are dead. anyways, there tend to be two motives in a situation you are in with someone you care for, i mean in situations with someone you don't like.. you just a) ignore 'em, b) glare/stare 'em down, c) fight 'em, or... whatever i've forgotten. but THAT is not the point. we're talking about actions we take in a situation with people we actually LIKE! ok? stay focused!

so in those situations, we either take action through feelings of a) love or b) guilt. right? so like when someone says, "i will be here for you," you might ask (probably in your head..) "WHY?" [and i mean, if you both love each other enough, you will prolly get to the point of full on trust (thats always good.) and you really won't wonder at all, cuz i mean, duh! you love each other enough. hnh.] but otherwise, you can always wonder, right? and like.. if you are feeling low on self restraint and you just must ask, "WHY?!" they might reply a) "why wouldn't i?/ i'm here for you. always./ i am trying, we are working, we will fix you/etc."(any or all of 'em), or b) i felt bad cuz.../ i thought i owed you/ well you did and i just didn't react, so i felt bad/etc." (again, any or all of 'em). and i mean, if the people truly feel that they have been indebted so far into the other's love or care, then repaying the debt to bring them up to that equality is all good. so yeah...

i have learned that its better to do things out of love than guilt. cuz it just is. more positive, more passionate, more honest. i mean love should replace guilt, it eliminates the guilt, sends it away, heals it, no? and so its just more wholesome, for ourselves, for them. i mean we shouldn't stay in relationships if its all for the other person, nothing for ourselves, just cuz we don't wanna hurt them. we shouldn't heal or help or solve because their pain makes us feel sick, and we just wanna get rid of the pain, but we barely know who we're fixing.

so see? doesn't that just make sense? to take action through love for another, rather than to only repay debts, because debt shouldn't be a huge, dragging problem, for if the person you are healing loves you and is welcome to your help, the debt should be mostly pardoned, right? you are equals. love is equal. so what is the deal?